reflection of faith

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a wonderful man.  A man who was the father to a great friend who is more like a brother.  I think this was the first time I have prayed with a minister in a long time (probably since the last funeral I went to!).  I remember always extending my prayer before and after the minister, asking for peace, strength and sometimes the materialization of other items that really didn't matter.

Yesterday was different.  I feel strong.  I feel at peace.  There is really nothing I need more than motivation to keep focused on my weight loss and be all I can be throughout the process.  I experienced a pretty profound moment when I simply thanked God.  I didn't ask for strength.  I didn't ask for peace.  I didn't mention anyone else.  I just thanked God over and over and over, for nothing specific.  But for everything.  It was pretty crazy to be in the moment and be comfortable just thanking him for all of the blessings already provided and the ones on the way. 

I may have said this before - I am no "holy roller," but man does it feel good to be more grounded.  To be more open.  To have a stronger relationship.  One that doesn't depend on anyone else.  Doesn't rely on the "rules" of any denomination.  Doesn't need the support of a dwelling.  Doesn't have a congregation that is really politically driven.  Oh man, it was so nice to know that I have God and I have the best support I could ever ask for - those around me because we want to be together, not because it is Sunday morning.

my children

To fill you in, I have the most precious gifts myself - a four year old boy, Gregory and a two year old girl, Meade.  They are a handful but make my and Jacob's lives complete.  These children teach me more than I could ever try to learn on my own each and every day.  They are crazy, beautiful souls that test me to my limits but provide me the utmost joy.

They are beyond stubborn, just like me - oh the battles we have!  They can be the most loving and sweet, gentle children I have ever experienced.  Their contagious laughter can light up the darkest day.  Gregory is hesitant and fearful most of the time.  Meade is fearless - she is nuts!  They bicker over everything but are always making sure the other is close by - maybe so they can be sure to start the next argument.  They both have a strong will about them that gets so frustrating to even try and reason with.  They love being outside and on rainy days we all get a little miserable.  They live for adventure, always wanting to know what is next and where will we be.  Although very different shades of blue, their eyes pierce anyone they meet in different ways.  Both are simply bad at school some days.  I can overlook the bad.  What bothers me is when they are disrespectful.  Every day is a challenge in some form or another.  Challenges I'd much rather face head on than never get to experience.

They are truly two of a kind - and ours.  We wouldn't have it any other way.  We have our turmoil, we have joys - most of all, we have each other.  This my friends, this experience of parenthood is why I write.  I want to try to help another sweet couple be able to realize the same.

One of Jacob's first questions about this whole endeavor is how will we explain it to the children?  Well, funny he asked.  I also have started to form the right words already and it is not much more than how I talk to them every day on the way to school.  We are part of this world to be kind to others.  If conception happens and my belly begins to grow, I hope they remember one thing, that I was being kind to someone in their time of need.  I was able to offer a safe place for a beautiful baby to grow so two other wonderful people could be parents just like I am to you all.

If my kids grow up to be kind individuals, I think I will have succeeded in the role of being their parent.  If they remember this gesture as they grow old and seek out to also do kind things for others, even if it is just holding a door open, smiling, and having good manners, I am a happy mama.  Maybe it will inspire them to do even more, which will make my heart so very full.

the time is now

While I am prepping for the future, I am putting behind the past and living in the moment.  I am doing my best to make the right decisions that will help further this process along and make me a healthier human being, focusing on my mental and physical health, being all I can do my husband and children.  Today was a little daunting going back into the gym for the first time in months, but I DID IT!

Of course, I want things and I want them now, but I am very happy with the way that B's appointment turned out yesterday.  As far as next steps go, I have a meeting with B's MD September 18th to chat about everything and I have asked that she also call my OB before she leaves VWC and moves to VCU (September 20th).  So far, the clinical coordinator at SGF knows I mean business.  I mean, I have gotten an award at work for execution.  I can't wait to win this one, too.  The prize here will be a beautiful little soul rather than some plaque on my desk!

Throughout this process, I am learning a TON about myself.  I have never been so open and honest with any life-changing journey so early in the game.  I am ready to be more candid with everyone because the more people that know the more support that can be realized.  None of this will be easy, but the time is now to make a difference in my own health to ultimately create the opportunity of parenthood for B/P!

good news or good news?

When B asked when she could call, I was super nervous.  As soon as I heard her say hello, I could hear her smiling from the other end.  Must be good news! 

First, I am a viable option.  There will be many more logistics and hoops to go through, but the MD was pleased with my records. She is going to schedule some time to chat with me and also call my OBGYN to discuss things further.  That said, we have been given the go ahead to keep going!

Second, I have to lose a considerable amount of weight.  About double what I have lost so far to have my screenings done. Well, as my brother said to me last week - you are the most stubborn and determined person I know so I have no doubt it will all work.  There are so many silver linings with this information. 

• I will get physically healthier for me and my family and for this process.  Even if I don't pass the testing down the road, I will be better off for having lost the weight.
• We will all have more time to wrap our heads around everything.  Things have moved really quickly thus far and while I am thankful (and so impatient), we really do need time to figure it all out.
• B/P will have better opportunities to apply for financial grants at the beginning of next year.  Most of them just took their second round of applications and timing just wasn't right.
• I will have so many people to help hold me accountable to this weight loss and the utmost support to get it done over the next several months.

No matter the little patience I have, this is for the best for a multitude of reasons and I am so grateful.  

On top of all of this, B got the card and bracelet I sent her this morning (so thankful considering the blue PO box I put it in last week was broken into with a crowbar).  And, for those of you that don't curse, I have a potty mouth. So if you want to keep reading - be warned now.  We are all going to stay positive for now and "keep fucking going" just like the bracelet says!

what will we learn?

This morning, I woke up with a clear mind and an optimistic heart.  I know that no matter what is heard today, everyone will be okay. 

On the other hand, I woke up thinking that maybe the MD will read my charts and realize that although there are risks with someone at my BMI, I conceived my two, beautiful children at greater weights than I am today and had physically healthy pregnancies.  Maybe, just maybe, they will let us proceed sooner than we thought?  Who knows!?  All I know is that this is in hands that are above all of us, but also hands that have touched all of us. 

We shall see.  I will be sure to share the outcome with our families that are willing to read.  The post later today might be the last post, but also may be the first as this journey truly begins.  Thank you for reading regardless! 

is it possible?

The possibility of it all - the viability of me being a gestational carrier - now or a few months down the road should be discussed tomorrow!  Of course, a lot of this depends upon the MD's ability to review all of my pregnancy/delivery records prior to B/P's appointment.  Things escalated quickly when their appointment was moved up 3ish weeks, but being the impatient person I am, I am quite okay with the scheduling change!

I am very excited thinking about it all, but I would be lying if I said I was not nervous.  After all, tomorrow, we should know that this is not an option and B/P can move on with figuring out their next best step and the rest of the world is a little brighter because a few families joined as one to support each other as everything was explored.  Or (crossing my fingers), we hear that we can continue to proceed assuming no risks are identified through additional testing. It is quite possible that I can be a candidate but cannot proceed until I lose a substantial amount of weight, which is okay, too.  I am up for that challenge and they will see us back a few months down the road!

It really is a win-win and I am thankful to know anything sooner rather than later.  If you think about it, send up some thoughts of strength and peace for both B/P as they go into tomorrow with tons of questions in hopes for positive answers with clarity on next steps!

unspoken consent

I have had the most beautiful opportunity to learn, love, and adore a sweet soul over the past 6+ years.  This lady is a confidant, a friend, and someone I hold so dear to my heart.  I was introduced to Ms. Clare as hired help as she dealt with dementia and Parkinson's disease.  As time as progresses, I still get to see Ms. Clare a couple times a month and each time my love for her grows stronger.  Beyond my relationship with her, I am blessed to also call her daughter such a dear friend as well.  As we go throughout the campus, I get so giddy when people ask about my mom and sister (Ms. Clare and her daughter).  Sometimes I correct them, sometimes I smile and answer the questions as if we are immediate family.  Regardless, I feel honored that someone would think of me so highly.

During our times together, Ms. Clare rarely says a word.  Her expressions, though, say more than she ever could say with her mouth.  If she is awake when I arrive, I can typically get a smile which warms my heart to the core.  Very rarely these days she will ask how I am, but when she does, it is so special.  I know she always cares, but the words don't often come out. 

Yesterday I knew I wanted to share this journey with her.  Because she doesn't speak much at all and when she does they are very quick and basically salutations, I have confided in Ms. Clare for many years.  I tell her what I am thinking and her eyes offer their support, approval or discontent.  Let me tell you, it is fairly easy to know what she is feeling by her beautiful eyes.  As I explained to her what we were researching to see if the option was viable, she went from staring off into space to looking directly at me like I had eighteen heads.  This made me giggle, but that was her, you always know where you stand. 

When I finished telling Ms. Clare how everything works if it goes well, I then asked for her support.  She had gone back to looking at something else and seemed pretty disengaged.  I asked her yes or no many times, always offering her a pause to blink or tell me how she felt.  Nothing.  Maybe this wasn't the right time to tell her or maybe she wasn't interested in learning more.  Maybe she didnt't think it was a good idea.  I don't know.  I explained further how we will not proceed if there are any risks to my health but that we have to try.  Again, I asked her yes or no with pauses.  Again, nothing.

In hopes to get a rise, I said - fine, do you just think I am flipping crazy?  With that she turned looked straight at me, blinked her eyes (which is usually a yes), and gave a very faint smile.  I confirmed that I am very crazy, but we all know that and that will never change.  Then, looking into her eyes, I asked her if she would support me on this journey.  Yes?  No?  Yes?  As tears welled in her eyes she blinked after the second yes.  I was beyond touched.  Ms. Clare doesn't speak much but less than that does she show emotion.  I got pretty emotional, thanked her, kissed her, wiped one lone tear from her right eye and thanked God for bringing this woman into my life.  The verdict was in - I am crazy and Ms. Clare is supportive.  I must say we got a few stares from the other older folks around but I could have cared less.  The short experience we shared just then was more than I could ever ask for.

The quiet bond between us is something I will cherish forever, as is the moment I had with my dear, sweet Ms. Clare yesterday.