heartbroken open

Yesterday, one of Nana's best friends, who has become a light in my life was texting to check in.  She sent over a pod cast to listen to.  It is a pod cast that is from someone at her church, but this was a bonus episode with a guest speaker - Kristine Carlson.  I knew the name sounded familiar, but I didn't figure it out until I set out for a walk today to just listen and take it all in.  The episode is entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey through Widowhood and Loss."  While my situation is very different, the talk spoke to me clearly.  It was so enlightening.  

As I listened, I realized that Kristine's loss was her husband, Richard Carlson, who has written the books "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  In 2021, I had a desk calendar with tips each day specifically from that book.  In fact, the calendar still sits on my desk with the Friday still showing before my world got rocked.  I haven't found it in me yet, to start going through the days thereafter.

The twenty some minutes was what I needed to hear.  Kristine explains things to make them relatable.  What helped me was hearing her say that when death occurs, every bit of walls we had around our heart are shattered. This makes us extremely vulnerable, or insecure.  In other words, she mentions that we are now "heartbroken open."  Even though my world is in deep despair, the loss has actually broken my heart, allowing it to be open to more joy and peace.  I never thought of it like this.  While it is still difficult, I do find this to be true.  Plus, she has a whole book on the subject, which I've already ordered from Amazon.  I feel like I am in the middle of reading three different self help books right now, but I think I may need to focus on this book since the message of the podcast spoke to me so clearly.

In other news, I went to the dentist this morning.  I have had three cavities in my life - my whole life!  Today, they saw two that need to be filled in addition to two more that are on that horizon.  Lovely!  This is what happens when all normalcy and structure is lost.  My second cavity came when I was on maternity leave with Gregory.  More to look forward to - fillings!

busy busy

Thank goodness for Nana - she took Meade for several hours today so that I could get things done around the house, without my shadow.  Today is my mom's birthday, which is a little bittersweet.  She didn't want to celebrate at all, which makes me sad.  Although, I get it.  I totally understand.  I am not sure I will ever want to acknowledge my birthday ever again.  

My friend Adrienne stopped by for lunch and to grab a bunch of old toys/books that we were ready to donate.  Now, they will go to her grandson (and hopefully many more grandchildren).  So many of those items were nostalgic and never made the donation bin previously, but since I know where they are going, I was happy to pass them along.  I picked up salads from Giovanni's and they were delicious.  We exchanged small Christmas gifts.  Just being in her presence is always a gift to me.  She gives the best hugs and always enjoy my time with her.

Adrienne had to leave so that I could have my therapy session.  The first of the new year.  When people ask me about counseling, I say it is fine.  I am thinking that maybe I haven't yet found the right person.  I think she is likely helping, but what do I know.  I think I may get more out of walking the neighborhood with the retired ladies in the morning.  I did that the other day and boy was it fun, despite the freezing weather.  Even though we scheduled a next session, I may hold off and see how I am doing in a month or two to see if I should find someone new or explore other ways to work on my emotional well being.  I do feel a teeny bit stronger each day.

Nana brought Meade back in time to get Gregory off the bus and then prepare for our Wednesday night activities.  With the uptick in COVID cases, I opted to spend the 45 minutes in the car trying to go through some work emails so I am not so inundated when I head back next week.  It's always crazy 'round here!

watchin' henry

You know what brings me joy?  Watching videos of little Makenna as she grows.  More than watching Henry, it is so heartwarming to see the three of them together.  I helped to create that family.  Their love for each other is so vast and beyond obvious to anyone that encounters them.  There was a video of Phillip singing you are my sunshine to her and she was enamored with him, as she should be.  Another video was bathtime.  She was so happy and content.  It was funny to hear Phillip say to wash in between all the rolls - I imagine they have never had to do that before. ;)

Other videos of her growing, smiling, and being the absolute joy of their lives is what makes me happy.  I am working hard to let the fog release and allow sunshine back into my heart.  This little gal, my sweet Henry, is helping to make that happen - thanks to her wonderful parents.  

Oh Henry, I love you so.

school!

I don't think I have ever been so excited to send the children back to school.  Winter break is enough in itself.  An extra week is misery.  Plus snow, I am done.  I went for a 3 mile walk and then decided to start tackling items on the to do list.  Errands, organizing, everything that I haven't done for the last few weeks with children screaming for me at all waking hours.  I had finally gotten enough done to feel accomplished and thought I would take a bath.  Not five minutes in, the school called.

Well, fuck.  I didn't answer.  Maybe they will call Jacob instead?  I am in the bathtub for goodness sake.  It took every ounce in me to start washing up to get dressed and likely head to the school.  Of course.  Meade was complaining when she was peeing and was peeing quite often.  The nurse thought that maybe she has a UTI.  Little did she know that Meade has some extreme chaffing down there since she had so many accidents this weekend.  I have no idea what it is, but sporadically, she will pee in her pants several times a day for days on end.  It makes no sense.  When she has to go, it is always urgent.

I got to school 16 minutes after that call came in while I was in the bathtub.  Ugh.  I got an appointment and told Jacob he had to take her.  Once, my frustrating subsided, I realized that I should take her.  Jacob's championship game is tonight and it made more sense for me to ask questions rather than get pissed off at Jacob for him not asking the right things. 

The initial urine analysis came back fine.  They are sending it off for a culture and if that also comes back negative, we will consult a urologist.

Maybe tomorrow I can have a full school day to myself?  I sure hope so!  

a final offer

I don't know why this has been weighing on my heart recently.  When I dig deep, I think that maybe I want to relive all of this without awful grief just at the climax.  This morning, I knew I had to let Bethany and Phillip know that I am willing to try again if they wanted more children.  That said, we all know I am getting older and if it was there wish, we might want to start again sooner rather than later.  

God kept nudging me on my way home from mom and dad's.  I knew it wouldn't be appropriate for a text nor would I know what to say, plus I was driving.  Thus, I left a blubbering message for Bethany with these crazy thoughts.  I think they are content with Makenna, but you never know where someone else's heart lies.  

Bethany attempted to call back, but texted the sweetest message.  She and Phillip are beyond in love and are not thinking about additional children.  On one hand, I was relieved. On the other, I wanted new purpose.  I wanted that itch to make the right decisions to lose weight again.  Overall, though, I have always wanted them to be a family and that they are.   

This may say final, but if they were to change their minds and I was still at an age where it could be done, I am up for the challenge.  (Don't tell Jacob)

last minute trip

Last night, at Meade's dance class, I was an inch away from losing it.  We got the call that schools would be CLOSED again tomorrow.  Not just a delay, but closed.  I understand that some individuals in the county were still out of power, digging out of snow, and clearing fallen trees.  I know that buses are affected.  But how can I keep going?  I am not meant to be a stay at home mom and when Jacob has to work, I should be able to, too.  

This week has been rough keeping them entertained.  The few minutes I try to steal by my lonesome, are interrupted by screams of Mama or a little girl that must be touching me at all times.  I know, one day I will wish these days returned.  For now, I am over it.  I want to go back to work.  To an office.  Without kids.  Without a house that is never clean.  Without chores staring me in the face. 

Since school is closed today and the fact that there is more questionable weather coming through overnight, I made a last minute decision to take the kids to my parents.  I needed help.  I needed a little break here and there.  I knew they could make it happen.  Even if school is on tomorrow, so be it.  My kids will be absent.  

On the road, Bethany gave me a ring (I had asked her to if she was available).  We had a great conversation about many things.  The entire time, Makenna was cooing in the background.  For the first time in weeks, "my sweet little Henry" blurted out of my mouth.  I had forgotten I was going to call her Henry, but from now on, Henry it is.  From what Bethany said, she was full of smiles when she would hear my voice. Oh that does this heart good!

It has been a pretty easy day since getting to the river.  Meade and I went with dad to town.  He wanted me to go to the jewelry store to pick out a new diamond ring for my mom.  This excited me.  Since I am going to inherit it one day, hopefully a very long time from now, why not provide input on what I would like.  That was fun.  I had to bribe Meade with a flamingo necklace that will be ordered via Prime should she keep the jewelry store a secret.  I'm not sure she's a safe bet.

I am so thankful for my mom and dad.  For having a second home with them.  For being theirs.

good riddance?

I am so on the fence about this past year.  Should I be distraught over the unexpected and awful loss of Ricky or should I remember the difficult times we got through and the birth of sweet Makenna?  There was so much wonderful in the last year, but I have a hard time seeing through the fog to recognize them.  

We headed down to my parents Thursday after a nice visit with Skeeter.  The kids and I figured some time down there would do us good and Jacob could desperately use some alone time.  I wish I could have gone fishing, but I am glad I didn't!  My dad, uncle, and cousin were out on the water from 8am to almost 5pm.  I would have been freezing and we definitely wouldn't have made it with a kid on board!  It was nice to see them bring in some rockfish, finally!

My aunt drove down to also be with us and spend the new year together.  She and my uncle stayed the night.  I didn't make it to midnight - who does anymore?  

The plan was to come home yesterday, but we decided to stay an extra day.  The kids go back to school Monday - so they say.  The weather isn't looking good.  Yesterday morning, we all loaded up in Uncle Shug's big tahoe and scoped out three different properties.  They are looking to get a second home closer to the bay.  It was cool and I couldn't help but dream of the possibilities of them being closer while we are at Mom and Dad's too.  

2021 was crazy.  I pray for a smoother 2022 that's for sure.  I also pray to keep in mind all of the wonderful we had last year, despite losing one of my best friends.