heartbroken open

Yesterday, one of Nana's best friends, who has become a light in my life was texting to check in.  She sent over a pod cast to listen to.  It is a pod cast that is from someone at her church, but this was a bonus episode with a guest speaker - Kristine Carlson.  I knew the name sounded familiar, but I didn't figure it out until I set out for a walk today to just listen and take it all in.  The episode is entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey through Widowhood and Loss."  While my situation is very different, the talk spoke to me clearly.  It was so enlightening.  

As I listened, I realized that Kristine's loss was her husband, Richard Carlson, who has written the books "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  In 2021, I had a desk calendar with tips each day specifically from that book.  In fact, the calendar still sits on my desk with the Friday still showing before my world got rocked.  I haven't found it in me yet, to start going through the days thereafter.

The twenty some minutes was what I needed to hear.  Kristine explains things to make them relatable.  What helped me was hearing her say that when death occurs, every bit of walls we had around our heart are shattered. This makes us extremely vulnerable, or insecure.  In other words, she mentions that we are now "heartbroken open."  Even though my world is in deep despair, the loss has actually broken my heart, allowing it to be open to more joy and peace.  I never thought of it like this.  While it is still difficult, I do find this to be true.  Plus, she has a whole book on the subject, which I've already ordered from Amazon.  I feel like I am in the middle of reading three different self help books right now, but I think I may need to focus on this book since the message of the podcast spoke to me so clearly.

In other news, I went to the dentist this morning.  I have had three cavities in my life - my whole life!  Today, they saw two that need to be filled in addition to two more that are on that horizon.  Lovely!  This is what happens when all normalcy and structure is lost.  My second cavity came when I was on maternity leave with Gregory.  More to look forward to - fillings!