discovery

I had the opportunity to talk to another gestational carrier yesterday, via P's parents.  They have a family friend in which their son and his partner used a known GC to have a child.  It was such a wonderful conversation that strengthened my conviction in this endeavor.

This sweet lady was so open and honest about everything that that was huge.  She helped me to understand how she and her husband worked through this with the intended dads, how their four children were educated on the process, how the logistics of it all worked, and how beautiful of an experience it was.  Most importantly, she said she would 100% do it over again because it was just that awesome.

There was something else she said that resonated with me.  Everyone talks about how kind and selfless a compassionate carrier is.  What most do not understand is that carriers get so much more out of this process.  The satisfaction of carrying a child for someone else is something that very few get to experience and I know in my heart that I am doing this just as much for me as I am for B/P.  While some say GCs are selfless, there are selfish aspects of it.  I can't wait to experience the pure joy through other parents' eyes knowing I helped to make it happen.

home

Both of my parents have finally retired.  Their new phone number is listed as "home" in my phone.  Jacob and I have made a beautiful home and family to use it, but when we are all together at my parent's new house, it feels most like home.

We had the joy of going out on the bay, navigating the same waters I did so often as a child this past weekend.  The time to see the beauty of all around me and simply reflect was what I really needed.  I thought a lot about this journey, even openly talked to my parents about it a good bit.  Next summer, I want to be heading out to fish in the same waters, just with a little one in my belly.  

The peace that the Friday night boat ride and Saturday morning fishing trip brought me was more than I could ever ask for.  Beyond the peace, it I found confirmation that I am in the right place at the right time.  We are going to make this work and I am so excited for the future.

let's do this!

I had a great meeting with Dr. Nair this afternoon!  She was absolutely lovely and told me everything - the good and the bad.  Frankly, everything is good, but I will start with her upfront and candid statement.  Here is what she said: 

I meet a lot of people in your position.  The majority never make it to the transfer phase because for a myriad of reasons they do not drop the weight.  

By the end of the conversation, I think she also believed that we would be meeting each other in due time.  Dr. Nair could sense my motivation to make this work and ultimately my determination.  Here is some of what we learned:

• While I cannot go through transfer until I am under 35 BMI, we can start the screening process when I am around 200 pounds.  Screening involves diagnostic testing of the uterine lining as well as a saline ultrasound.
• Around that same time, we should engage legal to draw up an appropriate contract to protect everyone in the process.
• I will also go to my own OBGYN to have my IUD removed.
• Should I still be a candidate, I can begin a mock cycle for hormonal response.  If we get to this point and the there are no identifiable uterine abnormalities, I am a candidate for B/P to remain in the shared risk program.  
• Then the fun begins (so I have been told).

At this time, my immediate goals remain much the same:

• Focus on my own well being and weight loss.
• Start a prenatal vitamin.
• Research the right therapists for the psychological consultations.  There will be three sessions - one for Jacob and me, one for B/P, and one for the four of us.

Beyond having a good meeting, I really enjoyed Dr. Nair's spirit and optimism throughout the call.  I am really excited to have confirmation to proceed, even though we may have speed bumps along the way!  I will say that Dr. Nair feels that we will probably get to where we need to be in 6-8 months.  I am thinking 4 - we shall see!  Even though we didn't shake hands nor does she know my goal, I have accepted the challenge!

"Life is a gift, and if offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." - Tony Robbins

a day to learn

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks now.  I get to have a call with B's fertility doctor to learn more about my viability and the process.  I have a host of questions to ask to find more comfort in the journey and also have Dr. Nair get comfortable with me.

B texted this morning to say she is saying prayers for a good meeting.  You know what's funny, I hadn't even begun to pray.  Honestly, I just know we are going to have a good discussion and it will solidify the path ahead.  Prayers are always appreciated and goodness I pray a LOT these days.  It just hadn't occurred to me that I should pray about today yet.  That said, I have since thanked God for today's opportunity as I look forward to getting a plan of action.

I do, however, have a beautiful token I am wearing today, a gift from B's parents.  I am not one to like receiving, but I am thankful for this as I know I have many, many angels up there on my side.  Disclaimer - I am not good at selfies and I haven't showered after the gym.  Look at this sweet gem that will be with me today and throughout the journey!!

I can't wait to provide an update later!!!

"It takes a dream to get started, desire to keep going and determination to finish."  - Eddie Harris, Jr.

i can't do it all

Yes.  I said it.  I cannot do it all.  Now, I must believe it.  Even through the tough times, I have to remember I cannot solve the worlds problems.

What I can do is remember the reason I embarked on this journey, keep my focus on that and the end result, and kick ass to lose this weight so we can get the party started. 

If I could, I would, heal everyone's pain.  But, I can't. 

"Don't ruin a new day by thinking about yesterday.  Let it go"

unsolicited support

I got the nicest note this week.  Even though I have met P's parents in passing a few times over the years, I don't know them well. 

This email touched me beyond words.  They offered their support and gratitude through the process:  "Your compassion and care reopened the pages to their story and gave new hope to their desire and longing to be parents."  This, my friends, is what it is all about.  We know it won't be quick and easy, but it will bring us all together closer as a unit and hopefully a sweet baby into this word. 

Beyond that, they shared a similar experience that a friend's son went through, which ended perfectly.  P's parents offered anything and everything through the process, so I asked if I could speak to those people and maybe even their GC if they were open to it.  I'd love to hear from others that have walked this path and hear their positive thoughts along with the real experience and tough times it can bring.  Together, I know we can come out with the same outcome.

I swear I say it all the time, but my heart is so full.  I never imagined that an offer would turn into something so beautiful and I expect that many months down the road we will have a celebration like no other!

"Make the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it."  - Edward W. Bok

are there more babies in there?

This morning, I had a sweet experience with Gregory.  After banging on his wall while I was in the shower, I went in there to get him up.  He quickly told me he put the baby pictures in the bed with him.  (We have to pictures in his room, framed, from the hospital when he was born.)  He asked a few questions - Was this when I was still in your belly?  How did I come out?  Was Meade in there with me?  I can't even remember what else he asked, until said - Are there any more babies in there?  I quickly responded with a no and explained that our family is now complete.

Then, I got to thinking about this journey. Gregory doesn't forget ANYTHING, so I will have some explaining to do, I hope, in a few months!  I'm up for that challenge 110%!  Just had to share this because the children definitely remember more than I do most days. 

As far as the actual journey goes, not much has been going on. I still have my meeting with B's fertility doctor next week, which I am so looking forward to.  I have tons of questions and I am sure she has the same for me.

I am simply thankful to be on this road and getting healthier as time goes on!