a second confirmation

I am beyond thankful today!  We had our 8.5 week check and we were able to see a little wiggly fetus with a heartbeat of 169!  Of course, the baby is still growing but we saw a big head, large abdomen, and where the nubs of the legs are beginning to form.  Besides confirming that the baby continues to thrive was probably the best news I could get this whole journey - I can feel good and not worry that there is something wrong.  I can't imagine better relief at this point.

Bethany and Phillip were able to FaceTime in for the appointment and it was just awesome.  All of us were stunned that we got good news, but so happy to continue on.  Kim called me this afternoon and while I missed her call, she wished us all of the congratulations in the world and let me know that I am graduating to my OB.  There is no need for me to be monitored any longer at Shady Grove.  I will continue my meds until next Friday, the 9th, when I will be at 10 weeks.  Kim was so sweet to say that she would love to be updated as things continue to progress but she always understands if there isn't time for that.  In fact, she said that if she never hears from us again, it means that we have succeeded and she couldn't be more thrilled.

Hoping that the next weeks continue as the last couple have - I keep feeling good and we progress to the next step with a healthy little baby aboard!

is this it?

Y'all, I am feeling so great that I am terrified something is wrong.  I wrote Kim this morning just to see what she thought.  Here's what I said:

So I am super nervous this morning.  I feel GREAT!  Like, better than I have felt in weeks!  I am so worried that the embryo is no longer thriving.  Tell me that these things can come in waves and I just need to calm down and revel in the fact that I am feeling good?   

Is there anything to read into or be concerned about?  How often does it happen that one gets a HB at the 6.5 weeks and then it ceases to exist at 8.5?

Kim called me to take me off the ledge.  She said that this means absolutely nothing and that my symptoms will ebb and flow throughout and I cannot read into them.  She was sure to mention that while she didn't know the statistics, it can definitely happen that a heartbeat is detected at 6.5 weeks and then no longer after that.  I get it.  When miscarriages happen, at some point, the heartbeat is just not there.  

I have to take what Kim says to heart and just believe that everything is okay and the fact that I am feeling good is that this pregnancy is different - as it should be.  This is about a greater purpose for my life, one that is changing who I am as a person.  One that is helping me to be content with all I have and find the joy in the little things.  I feel like maybe this perspective is helping a ton, but it doesn't mean I still don't worry.  

For now, I will revel in these good days and be thankful for them!

spoiled

I am going to be so spoiled this week!  This afternoon, Bethany's parents stopped by with a pot roast in the crockpot, a spaghetti pie, some vegetable soup and coleslaw and a peanut butter pie!  I am not going to have to cook for the rest of the week!  That is huge!  A whole week!!  I am lazy in that I will cook maybe 3 times a week and we eat leftovers the other days, but not having to cook for at least four days - I am in heaven!

Not to mention that pot roast is delicious!  We had that tonight, saving the spaghetti pie for later in the week.  I shouldn't have told Jacob about the peanut butter pie - I think we will fight over it until the last bite - it is that good!  

What a relief to have people in our lives that want to go out of their way to do something kind for us.  We are not on this journey to gain anything in return (well, except personal satisfaction to have realized my purpose in life).  However, the outpouring of love, support, meals, etc. is phenomenal.  Beyond the meals, getting hugs from both Cheryl and Steve and being able to visit with them for a few minutes was so wonderful.  

How lucky we are!

band aids

I can't tell you how often we go through boxes of band aids in this house.  The smallest things MUST have a band aid on them in order for them to heal.  Just for it to fall off (because they don't stick to the bottom of your foot for very long) and need to be replaced.  They're such a hot commodity around here, I opt for the Kroger brand, which seem to be just fine for our needs.  Until they aren't.  

I started to think that I was having an allergic reaction to my injections because later in the evening, after taking the shot in the morning, my bottom would itch so bad.  I would take the band aid off and there would be a sizeable welt.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, then the welt would take the shape of the band aid - which was really odd.  The last two shots I have given myself, I have opted for no band aid - just to hold a paper towel there for a moment or so until the excess oil and blood stop flowing and then go on with my day.  Voila - no more issues.  Maybe I am allergic to latex or something all of a sudden?  That is all I can think, but I never have a problem when the ladies that get my blood wear gloves?  Who knows?  All of this to say, no more band aids on my bottom!

time for me

This weekend, I headed down to my parents with the kids.  Jacob isn't keen on going as much during the colder months, which I totally understand. The kids still enjoy it so I like to give him a break.  The problem is that it isn't always relaxing for me.  This weekend was the calm that my heart has desired for several weeks now.

The children were great and I cannot emphasize that enough.  Between feeling crummy and being tired all of the time, they tend to feed off of me and also get cranky.  Well, let me tell you - they listened, they helped, they played well with each other, they were fun to be around - it was beautiful.  They played outside together, got super dirty, we went on a little nature walk, explored some back roads, and just took it easy.  My parents also forced me to relax more.  Any time the kids needed something my mom was the first to jump up saying she would take care of it.  I started to feel bad about it, but I think it gave her purpose and she was enjoying it for the most part.

While the kids were entertained, my parents, cousin, and I did three different puzzles (750, 1000, and 2000 pieces - I had to leave Sunday before that one was finished).  There's something about being in my thoughts listening to my dad mumble and complain when he can't find the piece he is looking for - it brings so much joy to my heart.  During those times, my mom would listen to me burp and say excuse me time after time to tell me that I was actually having indigestion.  I had no idea, I just knew I was burping a lot and yeah it was uncomfortable but it was normal.  She gave me some tums and they worked almost like magic!

I did not want to come home today.  We all missed Jacob, so we did want to come back to see him, but there was such a sense of peace and easiness that I didn't want to leave.  

terrified

When anyone offers kind words of congratulations, I always preface my response by the fact that we have so long to go.  It is true.  Anything can happen at any time and we must remain cognizant of that.  When a friend asked how I really felt, I wrote:  terrified.  I am.  I am scared that it won't work.  Scared that we will get bad news.  Scared that anything will go wrong.  Unfortunately we have been on this road where everything keeps going wrong. But, then, I have to keep remembering that we are here for a reason and that will be realized even if we encounter more bumps.  

I think I caught my friend off guard when I was brutally honest.  Her response was exactly what I needed to hear:  It is okay to be terrified.  There's no right or wrong way to feel.  You're a warrior.  If this was easy, everyone would do it.

I hate to think that I need that nudge or positive reassurance from time to time, but I am human and it helps.  She is exactly right.  Now to just keep my mind, heart, and emotions in the same place!

empathy

You know what is really difficult about this journey, is the empathy I now have for others on similar paths.  I woke up this morning to a tough message from a friend letting me know that they got unfortunate news yesterday.  I am not sure exactly what that means, but I do know that I am sure they are heartbroken.  We have all been there on our rollercoaster, too.  Several times.  

My heart aches for them.  There is nothing I can do to ease their pain or tell them to keep fucking going or that it will all be okay.  I've said this many times as I grieve with those around me, but sometimes I would rather deal with the pain and let them experience the joy.  I know I can handle it and it hurts me knowing what they're experiencing and that there is nothing I can do or say to make it better.  While this image is something I created years ago, I feel it is very relevant in this situation, too.