surgery prep

The nurse finally got my IV in to administer the normal antibiotics and fluids to prepare for surgery.  She got the heartbeat monitor on my belly and little girl still has a strong heartbeat.  The first IV try didn't go so well and I have a big contusion starting to develop on the inside of my right arm.  No big deal.  I think it was my fault as I have not been eating/drinking like I should and I am pretty sure I am dehydrated.  Just getting the needle through the skin was tough!

Phillip was up and waiting in the Mother Infant Unit to meet the baby when the time comes.  Mom and I had explained everything a million times to the nurse and the anesthesiologist that came in to go over the epidural.  Mom wasn't letting down - she told everyone that it has been an awful week of Ricky's death on top of 6 years of trying badly for Bethany and Phillip to have a baby so we needed both of them in the delivery room if at all possible.

The anesthesiologist said that she was okay with it (it is her decision) and she would confirm with her attending physician before saying yes.  Finally, we got the yes we were looking for!  Praise God!  Phillip came down to be with us the remainder of the time before surgery.  

The nurse asked if I had shaved my vagina recently and I said I hadn't.  So, she asked Bethany and Mom to leave the room so that she could do that.  Once she took a peek, she said that I didn't need any shaving and everyone was allowed back in.  It wasn't long before I had to say goodbye to mom and was taken back to the operating room.  Giving Mom a hug was difficult, but we managed.  Meanwhile, Bethany and Phillip were to scrub up and prepare for once the epidural was in.

the big day

This morning has gone par for the course lately.  It is pretty rainy so we didn't go for a walk this morning before school.  We were in the car and ready to drop of the kids right at 730.  There was an accident on the interstate so we weren't able to get here at 8 as we had hoped.  On the way, the school called and said that Meade had a fever.  Okay, Jacob was just dropping us off, so he would have to go straight back to school and grab her for the rest of the day.  I let the nurse know that Jacob would be there as soon as possible.

As we finished the drive in, I sent a couple of happy birthday messages and tried to respond to a million other messages - I have gotten so far behind.  Plus, reading all of the thoughtful messages makes me a little weepy.  I then got a voicemail from the school.  One of Gregory's teachers from last year had gone into the nurse's office and let her know about why we were headed to the hospital and the nurse was calling to say not to rush.  They would keep Meade in the clinic as long as possible.  So nice of them!  

Jacob dropped Mom and I off and we headed up to L&D.  It was a bit of a clusterfuck getting checked in.  They had no idea why I was there so early.  COVID test!  And, they had me sign a litany of forms.  When I kept signing, I had to ask about some of them.  They said one set is for me and one set is for the baby.  I then told them that it was not my baby and I was not to sign those.  Apparently, even though the manager was informed of our situation, that information never got passed along to those at the front desk.  Finally, they got that straight - what a pain in the ass!

The sweet nurse came out and asked me several questions and then took me back to our L&D room.  Mom and I sat in there for a while, we got the COVID test done finally, and I have just pulled out note cards to start writing some thank you notes.  Bethany just got here so I am putting those aside and the three of us will continue to chat until everyone is ready for the next steps.

pre-op

I had been waiting all week to hear from VCU to schedule my pre-op appointment.  I knew I needed to get that iodine stuff to shower with, my COVID test, and other stuff I wasn't quite sure of.  Nor did I know what time I needed to be there.  Surgery was scheduled for 12:30 and I assumed I needed to be there early? Since I hadn't heard anything, I called them this morning.  The nurses line told me to call the L&D department.  I called them and the lady was super sweet and couldn't figure out why I hadn't been called.  In her words "everyone else on the list is crossed off, I am not sure why she didn't call you, too."

She told me that I needed to come in today for the COVID test.  I was proud of myself when I said, no.  I cannot.  I cannot do one more thing today and you all will have to work with what you've got, just like if I had gone into labor on my own and simply presented at L&D without being on the schedule.  She understood and told me to be there at 1030.

Mom and Dad are coming this evening.  Dad will drop Mom off to be here with me through the next couple of weeks.  I desperately want to see them - in my own home, without a million other people.  My friend, Becca, that has helped me facilitate a lot of the logistical things for the birth reached out and told me to be there by 8-830 so that they could get a rapid COVID test done for me prior to surgery.  Not a problem.  Jacob and I will just drop the kids off at school and head that way.

I am so ready for this physically, but I am not sure my emotions are ready.  We have worked so hard for so long.  Amidst everything else, we need to celebrate this little girl and this family that we are making!

an ode to Ricky

I thought I would share what I read to the congregation last night.  If you didn't know Ricky, please meet him:

I cannot thank you all enough for being here today to celebrate Ricky.  He was one of a kind for sure.  The outpouring of love and prayers for peace and strength at this time has been noticed and we are all very appreciative.  My mom has asked for us to share some fun stories of Ricky and I thought I would start us off.

A little disclaimer – Ricky was – Ricky – reckless Rick.  If we are going to be uplifted tonight and celebrate him as he deserves, there will be some colorful language and inappropriate stories, but those memories that we are willing to share is what will help each of us through this life without him.  To my great aunts and others in attendance, please do not be offended by any of this, just know that this is what Ricky would have wanted and this is the ultimate respect for him.

As a child, Ricky was a dreamer.  He thought he could fib his way through anything.  He’d come home from school with stories that my parents always refer to as the “snake stories.” I think it was coined that because he had to tell my parents one afternoon that he saved a friend, a girl, from an awful snake on the playground.  Doubtful, but he was proud of himself nonetheless!

Then, there was that time that he and I were playing red light green light in the driveway.  Of course, I was the annoying kid sister and I must’ve said red light too quickly for him to stop.  I went inside screaming to tattle about him running over with his bike.  My parents were easily over the bickering and dismissed me, telling me to get back outside and play while Ricky was there screaming he hadn’t done anything.  As I turned to walk away upset, my parents noticed the muddy, knobby tire prints all the way up the back of my jumper.  He couldn’t fib his way out of that one.

Then, there was that time that he was playing with fire, literally, and caught a quarter of the backyard on fire, thanks to boyscouts and lots of pine needles.  He was always thinking ahead. In college, while tailgating for a football game at JMU, our keg was about to run out.  I saw Ricky leave in a taxi not knowing what was going on, only to see him return in that same taxi about 15 minutes later with a new, full keg.  That’s just who he was.  He wanted to keep the party going!

Throughout his short life, he had a weak stomach.  I distinctly remember hearing him scream one night.  We all went into his room and Katie, who was sleeping on the top bunk was ill, puking all over him in the perpendicular bottom bunk.  When he moved in with our grandfather last year, I reminded him how anytime Art would close a bottle of something, like dressing, he would first lick the bottle top – I thought Ricky was going to puke right there.  

Boy was Ricky clumsy.  Time after time, I remember saying and hearing others say “you dumbass.”  When he was working with Hank building docks, Jimmy and Jamison were walking ahead of him, they were all carrying out pilons or boards.  Next thing they knew, Ricky was no where to be found.  But then there he was, stuck in the marsh mud.  Within the last year or two, I remember seeing a video of him trying to get out of a kayak and onto the dock only to have capsized and losing his flip flop in the muddy bottom.  If you couldn’t reach him, he’d probably lost his phone or ruined it, somehow.

Ricky was well known for sleep walking.  We’d wake up and find him peeing in the closet or down the stairs on more than one occasion.  His friends would create a bed for him on the floor and hope that he didn’t get up because lord knows what he’d get into.  Because of things like this, he was often referred to as a better “outside friend.”  I can’t tell you how many times he explained that he walked into the wrong apartment or hotel room during these sleep walking episodes.  While all very benign, he is lucky he didn’t get hurt or shot for this crap.  He was also known for ravaging the fridge during his late night sleeping escapades.  I can’t tell you how many times we had leftovers for supper the next day that were gone in the morning or half eaten and left out on the counter for the remainder of the night.  On top of that, who knows what kind of nasty concoctions he was coming up with because the sour cream, salsa, jelly, ranch, and other things were left out, too.  

Rick was the worst driver.  He was always distracted by something – his phone, someone in the car, a freaking corn field.  It didn’t matter.  It was terrifying to ride with him.  If you said anything he’d look at you like you were stupid and say what, I’m a great driver!  In the same vein, how many of us have asked him “when are you going to get your shit together?”  I can’t count the times he lost his wallet.  He was always doing the dumbest things that just made all of his take Ricky’s signature “what the hell face” and call him a dumbass.

Ricky had a heart bigger than most, sometimes to his own detriment.  He learned over the past couple of years that he was such a huge empath and struggled with how to control that.  If someone he knew was hurting or struggling, he couldn’t help but internalize that himself.  He’d go out of his way to help a friend or a stranger with anything but then not knowing how he’d pay his own bills the next day when he used all of his funds.  Talk about money, if it was in his pocket, he was spending it.  Another part of “reckless Rick.”

Over the last several years, Ricky and I became very close.  Before that, not so much – like the time in college he and Jimmy pressured me into smoking salvia.  Bad, bad, awful idea.  They thought it was hilarious until Dad got home from work and I was still a hysterical, blubbering mess.  I was really looking forward to getting high with him in a couple of weeks.  I mean, why not, it’s legal right?

Over the last couple of years when I got the crazy hair to carry a child for Bethany and Phillip, Ricky called daily to check in on me.  He walked in on me administering one of the small shots in my belly one morning and freaked out.  When I showed him the needle that went in my ass, I thought he might faint.  I knew he couldn’t handle it, but he always wanted to know what the next steps were.  Just to mess with him, I would tell him everything – vagina this, vagina that until he would be so sorry he inquired and I’d just laugh.  Initially, it was like he thought the stork would just kiss my belly button or something.  Throughout it all though, he was one of my biggest supporters through the roller coaster ride of COVID, the miscarriage and then failed transfer last year.  He couldn’t wait for this baby in my belly to be brought into this world.  If only he’d still be around Friday when we deliver this sweet baby girl, but I know Ricky and Katie will be up in heaven celebrating enough for all of us two days from now and she’ll have yet another angel to watch over her.

That brings me to remembering Uncle Ricky and his love for children.  It never wavered.  In my opinion he was often always trying to outdo the other adults.  Initially, he was Uncle Boom Boom to many because he’d always show up with fireworks to impress the kids.  Not to mention, he’d scare the shit out of his friends as he held and pointed lit roman candles at them.  He had to get the biggest, best gifts for the kids, ones that they never needed – but it is what made him happy.  Then, when he became a father, it just intensified.  He adored Renn with all of his being and wanted him to be the adventurous, nature loving, curious kid that he still was at heart.

While we will all miss him dearly, 711 will probably miss him the most.  Ricky kept that place in business but he got the rewards, so it was okay!

In all seriousness, I think it is important for everyone to know that while Ricky struggled intensely over the last couple of years, these last several weeks, he was happy.  He had started a new job in which his employer valued him and thought very highly of his work ethic.  Saturday night, he and dad had watched Notre Dame win together and all was right in the world as he passed in his sleep.  If it helps you find comfort in the darkest of times, he looked peaceful, even in death.  We can’t ask for much more than that.  And like he told Renn everyday, it is important that we start each morning intending to “play like a champion today.”

I invite anyone and everyone to stand, one at a time, and tell us something that will make you smile when you remember Ricky – screw being appropriate – instead will likely bring us all some joy.

In Ricky fashion, I will leave you with this (you may have gotten in text form from him last week if you were one of the lucky ones I wasn’t):  I can’t believe that after all that shit, they are back together. It gets juicy around these parts so of course you ask who.  And, his simple response is "my ass cheeks."

saying goodbye

In the middle of the night, I wrote the eulogy.  Good, bad, or ugly, it is what it is.  I hope that it enables others to be brave and get up and speak about Ricky.  Dr. C wrote me to send her condolences on the portal.  That was very sweet of her.  I responded that I had not heard from anyone on my pre-op appointment, but never did hear back from that message.

I went through the motions all morning.  Thank goodness that Nana came over and got Meade for the morning, since it is Wednesday and she didn't have school.  Mary Pat arrived around noon and it was difficult to see her at first.  We had a good cry and then kept getting everything straight.  MP would ride down and back with Jacob.  I had committed to getting to the funeral home a little early to see what else needed to be done at the last minute.

The drive down was tough.  I stopped at the dollar store in town to grab some gum and saw a good friend from home's grandmother.  She and I hugged in the line as we waited to check out and cried some more.  On to the funeral home I went.

Benjamin pulled me aside quickly to let me know that neither the medical examiner nor Ricky's primary care physician would sign the death certificate without more information.  Thus, specimens were taken to rule out anything other than natural causes.  My parents didn't necessarily want to know more and believed that the coroner that came to the house to suggest a stroke or heart attach was well in their hearts.  Benjamin wanted me to know and to tell my parents as needed.  The death certificates would say pending for now until toxicology comes back, which may take six months.  None of this matters, though.  He is gone.  He is at peace.

Before the viewing even started, people were piling in to pay their respects.  The most beautiful cards were printed by the Vincents and it is a nice keepsake for all of us to have.  Gosh, I can barely remember everyone that was there.  I desperately wanted to wear make up, but I knew it was a lost cause.  I was feeling okay - even almost forgetting I was pregnant.  My discomfort and fatigue went out the window as there was too much peripheral stuff to attend to.

My dad greeted people first, then mom, then me.  I think that Dad must've told everyone about the baby in my belly - he was so damned proud.  When people got to me, it was always a mix of emotions talking about both Ricky and baby.  People were so kind - even telling me how great I looked.  Hah - if only!  I probably hugged three hundred people before the service, many I hadn't seen in years and some of the closest, most dear friends I had.

It meant the world to me that Bethany, Phillip, Cheryl, Dan and Christen came.  Being in this journey so late in the game, I wasn't sure if they could handle it, but they did.  They went out of their way to be there for me.  I wish I could name all of the others that came and made a huge impact, but there are just too many.  

Benjamin had to come to us a few times and tell us we needed to speed things up.  For instance, if we had to greet 300 people and gave each of them just one minute, the visitation portion would take 5 hours.  I got it, but Dad was the one that needed to get the line moving better.  He's a talker, he couldn't help himself.

Finally, the line came to an end it was time to get the show on the road.  Several family members took some time to go out and smoke and I tried to gather my thoughts.  Little did I know that half of the congregation had been partying in the parking lot.  True to Ricky's style, for sure.  

Brandon started the service with a few words, a simple prayer and a beautiful song.  Then it was my turn.  As I faced the audience, I realized there were several people that never came through the receiving line, but were sitting among the guests.  I can't believe how many people were there for us to celebrate Ricky.  There were tons of people standing in the door ways.  I tried to let them know there were more seats available in a few spots so most of them were able to grab a seat. 

My talk was much easier considering a couple of his drunk friends, Jamison and Lance, were constantly adlibbing for all to hear.  It eased the mood and I was really thankful.  Staying true to what mom had wanted, we kept everything funny - even inappropriate at times - because that was most important.  My cousin Colin got up and spoke along with a lifelong friend and one of Ricky's coaches, Dianne, and his "big brother" in the TKE fraternity at Radford, Weyman.  

Everyone spoke eloquently and the stories that were told were perfect.  Once all of that was done, Brandon provided one more song and Benjamin stumbled through his tears to give the Benediction.  I can't imagine a better service to be honest.  Our family was ushered out to the ND fight song and I got tons more hugs outside as everyone dispersed.

Being from a small town, I had a call a day or two ago from Andy, a friend that now owns a small seafood storefront and pavilion with limited dining on the water.  He and his wife, Amber, wanted to offer the pavilion for friends and family to congregate after the service.  That was amazing of them.  I dropped off cookies for them to set out and asked them to also put out some of their chips and dips.   A few friends went in and purchased several pizzas for everyone and another friend brought a crock pot of meatballs.  

After a few minutes, my whole body started to hurt and I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  I spoke to a few people but couldn't muster any more small talk nor hugs.  I was done.  I said goodbye to mom and dad and did my best to make it out of there without any eye contact out of fear of having to chat or hug more.  I know that was awful of me, but I needed to get home.  

I drove back by myself.  I don't know if it was good or bad, but I was able to talk to God a little bit and keep in mind how proud Ricky was of me and this baby to be that we will meet in two days.  I was exhausted, but it was good to have that time alone.  I hope I'll be able to get some rest tonight.

foggy and sideways

In reference to the last post of having grace, I have to understand that my parents also need to do the same.  I need to realize that they cannot be here, even though mom said they would be.  Even though they have moved an hour from town, they are constantly receiving visitors, along with all of the meals and offers of condolence.  It hurts to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone else.

When I couldn't stand myself anymore and the lonely thoughts, I reached out to my aunt and asked her to just be with me - we could do puzzles, or anything really, but I didn't want to be alone.

A couple of Ricky's best friends reached out to ask if they could visit me this afternoon.  That would be lovely, of course.  Apparently, they were going to go to my parents and instead, my parents asked them to be with me.  My cousin was also flying in from Columbus and also wanted to stop by on his way to his parents house from the airport.  This was all good.  We could reminisce and simply hug one another.

Alison came and just sat with me.  We didn't need to say much, but being together was beyond helpful.  Jimmy and Jamison showed up and while it was difficult at first, we told stories and remembered Ricky as he would want to be remembered.  My cousin, Colin, stopped by and the stories continued.  I tried to write many things down so that I could use them as I spoke at the service.  I desperately needed to gather my thoughts and start writing what I planned to say.

After a while, I was simply exhausted and welcomed that they had to leave.  I needed to focus on the kids and try to have some normalcy in our evening routine.  It all fucking stinks, but somehow, some way, we will figure everything out and be okay - Ricky wouldn't want it any other way.

a rainbow bouquet

As my aunt and I sat at the puzzle this afternoon, a delivery came.  I could tell it was flowers by the box and Alison opened it and put it in the vase.  It was so beautiful - two dozen roses, all different colors.  It really was one of the most stunning flower arrangements I had ever seen.  When I read the note, it took me back:

I don't know too many people in life that actually get to experience a miracle.  But because of YOU, many now will!!!  BIG HUG!!  - Faith

Faith is a friend that I have started working with this year.  She is up in Ohio, but we talk regularly for work things that often spills into our personal worlds.  We were on the same team for the month of August, but with the latest re-org, we are no longer.

These little acts of kindness go a long way.  I love, too, that this is all about the upcoming baby, not about our recent loss.