winter break

Yesterday's Tulli family Christmas was cancelled.  Jacob's sister had asked us all to do COVID tests, which everyone was fine with.  Yet, finding tests to purchase or an appointment was difficult.  Jacob's sister was bringing all of her extra down for us to ensure no one was positive.  However, we got the call that one of her children tested positive prior to driving down from Maryland.  I am so thankful they didn't get on the road.  We missed the cousin time, but we will hopefully be able to reschedule in a few weeks.

Today, Jacob and I took the children to the Science Museum.  We went through all exhibits they had plus stayed to watch a movie about helper dogs in the IMAX dome.  The kids loved every bit of it!  Since coming back, we are having a lazy day!  

Despite feeling good most of the time, I am still pretty insecure.  One of my dear friends from work reached out to me to check in and I inundated her with a million questions.  I am so nervous to go back to work.  What has changed?  How does it effect me?  She was so kind to keep me in check and remind me that I am resilient and can make it through any storm.  

bittersweet family time

Our Gregory family Christmas is one of my most cherished days of the year.  Always on the 26th, it is either in the evening of a workday or during the day should it fall on a Saturday or Sunday.  I woke up in a fog and with extreme anxiety.  Most of my cousins I have not seen since Ricky's service.  My mom is one of six and we have a boat load of cousins and it really touched my heart that all of those within a couple of hours driving distance were there to offer their support.  

I texted my aunt asking her to go easy on me because I was really nervous about being there.  The weather couldn't have been any nicer and the hugs from everyone helped.  To tell so many thank you for being there for us had me teary at many points of the afternoon, but I didn't lose control.  To keep Ricky's spirit alive, I spent a ton on scratch off tickets and gave all of my direct cousins, their spouses, and children each a scratcher.  Several said that they were sad that they weren't going to get Ricky hugs or lottery tickets this year.  I am glad I could make one of them happen even though we all wish the other was what we got.

We even went back to the old school days, with steak and eggs on the menu.  It was delicious!  Uncle Bobby did his normal pick your envelope to see what you get, for all of the "kids."  Liza was the $100 winner this year - go Lize!  It was super sweet that Uncle Bobby has now named his envelope game the Cousin Ricky Lottery.  

I got to meet a significant other I had not yet previously met and I adored her!  Being with everyone was just what my heart needed, even though, as I have said many times, it was quieter this year without Rick.  The kids were super excited to get a tennis net and Meade her own racket from Aunt and Uncle Shug.  They all played out in the driveway and had a blast.  

As the sun goes down today, I am thankful.  It is so conflicting to be so happy and so damned sad at the same time.  One day this fog will subside.

COVID in the north pole

Yesterday was interesting.  I picked up Lebanese so that we wouldn’t have to cook.  My nephew and his mom came to play and exchange gifts.  It was oddly quiet without Ricky’s presence.  Several times got quiet and breaking the silence was difficult, but if we didn’t I think we all would have cried.

Mom did lose it a little later when we were throwing dice, remembering Katie on what would have been her 43rd birthday.  I’m sure Katie and Ricky are partying hard up there.  I felt so awful for mom.  I just want to take everyone’s pain away.  We got high to take it easy and enjoy the rest of the night.  As mom was going to bed, I said I thought she was going to help put out Santa stuff.  I started going through hiding places looking for everything I had bought back in August and September.  

Anyone that has asked if I was ready, my response was always simple - as ready as I’m going to get.  I’m on top of everything so no need to worry.  Until I wasn’t.

As we set out the underpants, socks, sticker books and a few very small things, I realized my kids really had no toys they had asked for.  I didn’t know what to do.  Kroger and Walmart are both already closed.  We decided we would put cash in a card from the North Pole.

I had no idea that COVID had made it to the North Pole, but that’s what Santa said in his note.  In the midst of penning the notes, my aunt texted to say that she would bring over their gifts to make it a little better.  I declined and also started writing an “experience list” that are fun things to do over the next year, which was their gift from Jacob and me.  

My aunt called to say that my uncle had spent quite some time researching and that CVS was open.  Dad and I hightailed it over there.  $229 later, I had bought so much crap I had vowed to never buy.  Thank goodness Jacob went to the same CVS with Gregory the day before and he pointed out a bunch of unnecessary junk he wanted.  Christmas morning was saved!  Thankfully neither child knew any different.

The kids were delighted with the junk and the money.  They’ve never had much to spend on toys and such that they wanted.  Even if we get them a prize here and there, there’s typically a small dollar limit.  Mom and dad stayed for breakfast.  Things were off but they weren’t horrible.  It was nice that Nana visited right after mom and dad left and we got to spend some time with her and the lovely ukuleles that she so graciously gifted!  In fact, I hear them now.

I’m so thankful that there isn’t much else we had on our plates today.  I’ve been baking desserts for the next couple of family gatherings and hanging out with the kids.  I had an itch to join my parents for supper at my cousins, but it was a hike so I opted against it.  I’m glad I did.  I sit here, staring off into space, our first Christmas in this new hole, trying to remember all I’m thankful for.  Sometimes it is hard, but in this moment I am full of gratitude.

what’s wrong

Jacob tries.  He’s amazing most days but one thing that really bothers me is when he says “what’s wrong.”  He texted to ask how things were going and I said it has been a bad day, only for him to ask what’s wrong.  I’m sad. I’m heartbroken.  I’m lost.  I told him he didn’t need to ask me that question any longer and he suggested that if I communicated more he would know. Bullshit - that just pissed me off more.

Meade and I had a fun outing today.  We went to pick up a fire pit and since we were near carytown, I thought we would run by West Elm to see what they had.  I had a small gift card there that was given to me two years ago that I had yet to use.  We looked at all of the beautiful things.  Let me tell you, Meade has expensive taste!  I couldn’t find anything that I loved and frankly that store wasn’t somewhere that I’d find myself going back to.  I struggled with what to do and decided to give the gift card to a couple in line, asking them to pay it forward one day.

They tried not to accept it but I insisted.  As we were getting in the car, the husband ran out to me and gave me some cash. He said he didn’t have as much as the card was for but wanted me to have it.  I asked him to please keep it - the world is a better place when we are all kind to each other.  He refused and told me to get something special for my daughter.

Meade heard that and decided that she couldn’t wait to get something.  I tried to make it another teachable moment.  We went to a consignment shop in lakeside.  There was one rule - you can get a prize but only AFTER you pick out a Christmas present for Gregory from you.  It was a difficult concept at first.  She only wanted to look at all of the beautiful jewelry in the case.

Once we started looking for Gregory, it seemed to be more fun.  We debated several things and ended up choosing a really cool helicopter ornament before making our way back up to the front and choosing this really ugly costume ring that is gold with a pink heart stone.

The lady at the shop was the sweetest.  She had just picked up her dog’s ashes and was feeling down.  We just talked and I think together picked each other up a little bit.

I told Jacob that he needed to do the same with Gregory and he went ahead and took him this afternoon with the same rules.  I laughed when I went to wrap the teal hair extension and bracelets that he chose for Meade.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow to be with my parents but the rest of me wants to skip ahead a couple of weeks.  Time is what is necessary.

back home

I had planned to take our kids and Renn down to Mom and Dads for a few days.  The weather looked to be pretty good, albeit cold and we had a couple of activities to do with them.  Jacob and Renn's mom can both get a little break before Christmas.  It was good to be with Mom and Dad.  The boys played in the woods a decent bit.  I know they froze, but they loved every second of it.  Meade opted to be indoors playing as she is getting over a little cold.

Together, we painted cookies one afternoon and throughout the time, the kids and I filled in the pages of a "Why I Love my Dad" book.  I had gotten these back in October and planned to give them to Jacob and Ricky for Christmas.  I will give Jacob his, but I will keep Ricky's to return to Renn when he gets older.  I love that he has asked me to write down a few little memories of what they enjoyed together so he will have it forever.

By this morning, I couldn't wait to get home.  The three of these kids are crazy together.  To be honest, they were really pretty good the first couple of days.  They had their limit of each other and I was the same with each of them. I need some time to myself.  Maybe since I am not walking in the mornings anymore, I am craving me-time when I normally wouldn't.  That is literally what I look most forward to these days.  You know the saying you can't always get what you want...well 'tis true.  

I'm constantly overwhelmed, but it eases when I look at what is left on the to-do list.  Then, it goes right back to overload.  Tomorrow I will run a few errands.  Friday I will pick up lunch.  No real prep (other than desserts).  No plans Christmas day!  Then, a couple of family events on the 26th and 27th.  No reason to stress.

I was glad to get away.  I am glad to be home.  I will be really happy to get a nap in tomorrow!

give me time

Today was nice.  We went to some friends to decorate Christmas cookies with all of the children.  I struggled but tried my damnedest to get over myself and enjoy the time.  When things were wrapping up, and I was obviously lollygagging on leaving, we were offered to stay for lunch.  I let Jacob make the decision, which I thought was good for me because I probably would have said no, even knowing that easy, social interaction is what I truly needed.  We likely stayed well beyond our welcome, but enjoyed the time there.  These friends just make everything about the experience easy.  You can't get much better than that.

I was thankful that this afternoon we didn't have plans.  Jacob watched football and I puzzled.  The kids played and did their own thing.  My mind had lots of time on its own - never a good thing.  My insecurities are really getting to me.  It got so bad that I even texted Bethany thanking them again for the wonderful time together this past week but also asking her not to give up on me - I vow to be better as soon as possible to be more present, but it will take time.  

I think that the therapist in Bethany immediately came out.  She acknowledged my feelings and assured me that they would never stop loving me.  We are now family and I can't get rid of them. It felt so awkward to say that so then I started apologizing.  It is this constant cycle of thinking/speaking things and then frustrated that they even crossed my mind.  It makes no sense.  The fact that I can think it through at this time means that I realize what's going on - I just can't stop it.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, it is important to know that I commit to you that I will return to the person you knew.  I promise.  

medium insecurities

It has been a tough day.  Every way I turn, I run into another vulnerable spot or insecurity I have been fortunate enough not to experience previously. I have never in my life felt so insecure mentally.  Physically, that all goes by the wayside because mentally I have a fuck it all attitude and being overwhelmed, I lose the will to care.  Funny enough, I am not insecure about my body, which is what I SHOULD be embarrassed over, giving me a swift kick in the ass to get back in gear.

We had a kid birthday party today and while it was with the normal group of moms that I see somewhat often.  I wasn't myself.  I didn't want to chat.  I didn't want to engage.  I just wanted to get home and take a nap.  

The birthday party was really nice.  Meade had a wonderful time and the parents were cognizant of new strain concerns so opted not to stay for lunch but sent cupcakes home with each family to eat later.  So kind!  Plus, my kids thought it was heaven - they went to one birthday party and came home with SIX cupcakes!

Finally, I got home and told Jacob I needed a break.  I laid down on the couch just to realize that I had a group session with a medium in an hour. I had  hard time getting it together and wasn't looking forward to being on the phone for an hour hoping that someone would come through to speak to me.  

There were 10 other participants on the call.  In her opening remarks, JMarie mentioned that everyone would get something out of the session.  Either, a loved one would come through or she would answer questions we may have.  I think that I was called out third.  She asked me and another person who had a loved one that passed recently due to suicide or overdose.  Since the other lady didn't respond, I suggested that it is possible that is how Ricky passed. She confirmed she was with me and confirmed some information about the way he was found, that there was a delay in being found, and that his death could also have been from not following up on health concerns.

JMarie focused on the fact that Ricky is so much happier.  She said that he kept pointing to his head, saying he has never had such a clear mind.  It felt really nice to hear that.  I absolutely believe it was him.  I wish he would have said something about the baby or the experience, but I can't be too picky.