medium insecurities

It has been a tough day.  Every way I turn, I run into another vulnerable spot or insecurity I have been fortunate enough not to experience previously. I have never in my life felt so insecure mentally.  Physically, that all goes by the wayside because mentally I have a fuck it all attitude and being overwhelmed, I lose the will to care.  Funny enough, I am not insecure about my body, which is what I SHOULD be embarrassed over, giving me a swift kick in the ass to get back in gear.

We had a kid birthday party today and while it was with the normal group of moms that I see somewhat often.  I wasn't myself.  I didn't want to chat.  I didn't want to engage.  I just wanted to get home and take a nap.  

The birthday party was really nice.  Meade had a wonderful time and the parents were cognizant of new strain concerns so opted not to stay for lunch but sent cupcakes home with each family to eat later.  So kind!  Plus, my kids thought it was heaven - they went to one birthday party and came home with SIX cupcakes!

Finally, I got home and told Jacob I needed a break.  I laid down on the couch just to realize that I had a group session with a medium in an hour. I had  hard time getting it together and wasn't looking forward to being on the phone for an hour hoping that someone would come through to speak to me.  

There were 10 other participants on the call.  In her opening remarks, JMarie mentioned that everyone would get something out of the session.  Either, a loved one would come through or she would answer questions we may have.  I think that I was called out third.  She asked me and another person who had a loved one that passed recently due to suicide or overdose.  Since the other lady didn't respond, I suggested that it is possible that is how Ricky passed. She confirmed she was with me and confirmed some information about the way he was found, that there was a delay in being found, and that his death could also have been from not following up on health concerns.

JMarie focused on the fact that Ricky is so much happier.  She said that he kept pointing to his head, saying he has never had such a clear mind.  It felt really nice to hear that.  I absolutely believe it was him.  I wish he would have said something about the baby or the experience, but I can't be too picky.