Today was nice. We went to some friends to decorate Christmas cookies with all of the children. I struggled but tried my damnedest to get over myself and enjoy the time. When things were wrapping up, and I was obviously lollygagging on leaving, we were offered to stay for lunch. I let Jacob make the decision, which I thought was good for me because I probably would have said no, even knowing that easy, social interaction is what I truly needed. We likely stayed well beyond our welcome, but enjoyed the time there. These friends just make everything about the experience easy. You can't get much better than that.
I was thankful that this afternoon we didn't have plans. Jacob watched football and I puzzled. The kids played and did their own thing. My mind had lots of time on its own - never a good thing. My insecurities are really getting to me. It got so bad that I even texted Bethany thanking them again for the wonderful time together this past week but also asking her not to give up on me - I vow to be better as soon as possible to be more present, but it will take time.
I think that the therapist in Bethany immediately came out. She acknowledged my feelings and assured me that they would never stop loving me. We are now family and I can't get rid of them. It felt so awkward to say that so then I started apologizing. It is this constant cycle of thinking/speaking things and then frustrated that they even crossed my mind. It makes no sense. The fact that I can think it through at this time means that I realize what's going on - I just can't stop it.
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, it is important to know that I commit to you that I will return to the person you knew. I promise.
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