limited fucks

Jacob and I had my cousin, Christopher, and his wife, Angie, over for supper and games yesterday evening.  We didn't even eat supper, frankly.  We had plenty of snacks though!  It was such a great time being with them, completely open and honest, having fun all at the same time.  

One thing I learned from them was what Christopher often says, "this isn't worth a fuck."  Maybe this will be my new mantra to focus on what really matters.  When we think about life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give.  The next situation we face may not be worth a fuck.  Make sense?  It definitely resonated with me!

I wish I could stop worrying over Meade.  I cuss Ricky all the time for dying (like it was his fault) because I think that the grief is what has made her very strong-willed self more difficult to work with.  These next two weeks we need to see vast improvement in order to keep her in the preschool program.  I know she can do it, but will she?  There's no telling and until I have to worry about it, I need to just breathe.

Oh Meade - a clingy gal that blurts out and makes less than great decisions one hundred percent of the time and talks about death turned into we can no longer support the kid that is grieving and trying to figure out life. But they can do that. This is a very privileged opportunity. If Meade takes up too much time, those that are there for the services they receive due to diagnoses are unable to get the attention they deserve. I get it. I’m torn.

Everything in me says take her out. Remove her now. My mind and my heart agree. Fuck money. Things will get worse and I’ll be stressed out each day wondering if she is too bothersome and it’s the final straw. Get her scheduled to start in a week or two. Wing it in the meantime.  This makes it easier on me, not her, which is doing Meade an injustice.  I will do my best to take it as it comes and see how the virtual meeting with Meade and her teachers goes tomorrow.  I'm holding on tight and bracing for the ride!

fabulous friday

Hah, if only!  It feels like I am failing everything in my life, with the exception of work.  I have been thanked several times this week for what I have done and told that I am doing a great job.  However, at home, I feel as though I am failing in my marriage and failing more so as a parent.  How do I overcome this feeling and just get my shit together so that I can be the best I can be for everyone?

It is no one else’s fault in Meade’s program that she has been through so much and has trouble controlling herself.  It is not my fault.  It is not my fault.  I have written that and erased it several times because I want to take blame.  The situations were not in my control – it is not my fault.  While I cannot be blamed for what has happened, I have not always thought coherently about how to address what we have been through as a family and done enough to ensure my children have the appropriate coping mechanisms to move forward responsibly.  

As my Nanny used to say “this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.”  Please pass.  I am begging we get through this as quickly as possible because I am on the verge of breaking.  School doesn’t care though.  They don’t care if I am fragile.  If the kids are fragile.  That’s not true. Gregory’s teacher has gone above and beyond to help.  The preschool program doesn’t care.  But why should they?  It is a privilege for Meade to be there and she is taking away from the other student’s success because she is requiring so much support.

I did get an opportunity today to connect with the lead teacher.  I tried to be as honest as possible without placing blame on anyone but myself.  That said, I can't address items to improve upon if I am not aware they are going awry.  This teacher understood my desire to have a conference with Meade in the room.  She suggested a zoom call, which I would be fine with.  We will get that set up for early next week and give Meade two more weeks to improve.  We both are committed to working hard, in tandem, to make Meade successful.  However, there has to be a date in which we need to pivot if necessary.

I have scheduled two daycare tours for Monday.  I am exhausted, emotionally.  We will make it and one day laugh about this shitty situation.  I long for that day!

supporting Meade

I didn't hear anything from the lead teacher yesterday - that's frustrating.  Again, nothing so far today.  Meade came home and said she had a good day.  I went into her backpack and found three sticky notes.  Two front and back of instances where Meade fucked up today and that this is a “typical” day.  Playing with toys during the pledge.  Arguing with peers over toys.  Interrupting during circle times 5 times, in which guidance observed.  Guidance also observed the refusal to follow center play rules.  She cried because she didn’t want to clean up.  She told a joke about a cow getting killed during literacy.  Really?  Who gives a shit!  She lost her chair for rocking it after having warnings.  She didn’t follow directions during a school drill, after four requests because she wanted to be under the teacher’s desk with everyone else but there was no room.  She says she is itchy during nap time.  Maybe it is her clothes?  Mold?  I don’t have a clue what that means.  

I sent a note to her thanking her for the concrete examples we could work on and that I had not heard from the Lead.  Oh, she got busy today and will call tomorrow.  But also, here’s a picture showing where Meade wouldn’t share dinosaurs with her friends.  There are dinosaurs all over the fucking table.  Most were in front of Meade.  Apparently she pushed the others hands away when they wanted them and she refused to share.  

What now?  I think we might want to just take her out at this point.  She is four.  I probably shouldn’t have put her in the program with the baby situation.  I had no fucking clue my brother, who lived with us, would die, leading to further issues.  I found a place for $226 a week.  I don’t even care about the money anymore.  The thought of it makes me want to puke, but who fucking cares.  

At this point, I feel that they are out to document every little thing so that when they dismiss her, it is justified.  Should we take her out before that?  I don’t know.  What do I do?  I’ve been on pins and needles all fucking day waiting for the next message to come.  

Why now? Why all of a sudden?  Monday was about her needing counseling so I bent over backwards to try and find that.  Tuesday was about her not being okay enough to fit in with the program and that I need to look elsewhere.  That escalated quickly!  She’s four fucking years old.  She is expected to be a helper and I think that she sees her peers getting more attention and that she then also seeks it, likely not in the best ways.  

I have two messages since the beginning of the year that mention Meade had bad days.  I got a note home one day that she was the queen of kindness.  I got two notes about her being weepy.  Nothing else until this past Monday.  Nothing!  Are you fucking kidding me?  And now if she doesn’t clean up her shit, she’s kicked out?  Well, that’s a great way to set up a kid up for failure by not speaking with the parents to help her work on it for weeks beforehand.  I feel like I always fight for things that I feel are right but I am always looking at it from my lens only.  I understand she is privileged to be in this program and is there to help those with disabilities.  But if we don’t know, we can’t work on it.  

I don’t want others to say oh you’re a good mom or don’t call yourself a failure but I fucking feel like one.  I feel so self absorbed that I didn’t think about the children.  I do the best I fucking can, that’s for sure.  But I can’t do anything if I am not aware.  Maybe we will learn more tomorrow.

give love

Oh man.  I am spiraling.  Nothing I do seems to be enough.  I will never stop advocating for my children.  On the other hand, I will also support teachers.  I come from a long list of teachers and I have seen the detrimental issues that arise when there is no parental, or even worse, administrative support.  I refuse to be one of those moms that acts as if their kids do no wrong.  Every day is a struggle as a parent and I can only imagine what they are going through when the teachers are with my children more waking hours than I am each day.  A reminder, I am always thankful for Mondays when the kids can go back to school.

I have really struggled with wanting to hate Meade's teacher.  That isn't fair, though.  I read something that really resonated with me.  I need to love everyone and even in the difficult times if I show grace, I am going to make more progress.  God teaches us to find different perspectives and realize that we are all human.  If we continue to work against each other, that helps no one.  

a pity party

I sent Meade to school with a list of items to work on.  I had let the teacher know that I had scheduled the first available appointment for counseling but am trying to also find something sooner.  Barely any therapists take insurance anymore – they don’t have to.  People will pay out of pocket and dealing with reimbursement from insurance is a pure pain in the ass.  Just research it.  The behavioral health system right now is all out of whack.  Embarrassingly, I work for a company that is one of those barriers to receiving the care we need.

I sent a message to check in and a litany of items were returned about how she fell short.  I was frustrated and returned a message telling her to tell me to just take her out.  I can’t go through the roller coaster any longer.  Maybe we are just spinning our wheels at this point?

I asked for a face to face conference with Meade.  I think it resonates more when the three are in the same room verses two of us talking behind the scenes and then trying to get through to Meade.  I was told that she didn’t think it would be beneficial at this time for the three of us to meet to go over her issues.  She did suggest a meeting with the “lead” teacher, to which I said I will meet with her and you don’t have to be in the middle.  Why would she want to meet with the lead teacher there but not with  me directly?  She gave the lead my phone number.

Throughout the day, I cried and cried.  When the kids got home, I cried more, in front of them.  I lost it at the supper table.  I am having an extremely difficult time controlling my emotions.  Oh, the joys of parenting.

parenting woes

We had a lovely morning at the zoo today with some family friends.  It was such a delight to see their faces and excitement over every single animal.  It was quite exhausting, too.  

I had reached out about scheduling a conference with Meade’s teacher.  That was Monday.  I knew that we would be told of some of her shortcomings and have things to work on.  It is normal – she is four.  What I didn’t realize was that the 15 minutes would turn into “here is why Meade doesn’t fit into this program.”  The teacher counted 41 times that she had to be redirected last Friday.  On top of that, they were playing vet (Meade has no pets and desperately wants them so this is a tough subject in our house).  Meade said the pet was dead – redirected not to talk about death.  Meade said there was blood – redirected not to talk about blood.  Meade said there was pooping issues – redirected not to talk about poop.  Meade said the pet was vomiting – redirected not to talk about vomiting.  The pet is at the fucking vet!  There must be issues!  

Much of this boiled down to the fact that she believes Meade needs counseling.  I broke.  I have failed the kids as a parent.  While doing my damnedest to get through my own grief, I have failed to realize that the children are also struggling and can likely benefit from the same.  Why didn’t I think of that?  What a slap in the face.

I got right on it.  I called the pediatrician right away and got their first available appointment for April 8th.  I called around to other places, too.  I contacted a concierge practice that I was just going to pay for, but they could only see her virtually.  I am not sure that a 4 year old will benefit from virtual counseling.  I sent emails to three others and called another.  We are on a wait list at two now and I have reached out personally to an old friend that is at one of those practices where we are waitlisted.  The teacher also informed me that she tried to reach out to the guidance counselor but was not in at the time.  Her last message was “I will let you know if you know if we don’t see improvement and maybe need to look at different supports for Meade :).”

nicer weather

This beautiful weather every afternoon calls for lots of time outside!  We have definitely missed that.  One day after school, we met our neighbor and her grandchildren at the church to play on the playground and fly kites.  It was really neat to see the kids experience the kites.  I don't think I have ever flown a kite with any accuracy in the past.  They did great!  

We have also been spending a lot of time in the yard cleaning things up for the party in a couple of weeks.  Tons of sticks gathered, millions of leaves and gum balls raked (even though you wouldn't realize that a couple of days in), the garage cleaned up, etc.  I have been getting the kids to help and they have done a good job - anything to keep them outside!  Jacob got most of the leaves up and all of the flower beds cleaned out, too.  

Yesterday, Meade and I had a girls' day.  We picked up Ms. Anne from Westminster Canterbury and met Adrienne for lunch.  Anne is 97!  She adores Meade.  We went to Panera (the only place that Anne is comfortable).  Definitely not my favorite, but it was fine.  We all had a blast chatting and hanging out with one another.  

It also turned out to be a huge teachable moment for Meade.  There was a gentleman sitting behind us that was obviously homeless.  The poor man, Ken, smelled so bad.  It was difficult to eat.  Meade offered him the rest of her pizza which he ate in no time.  We went further to give him a bag of cookies we brought for Adrienne, but she wanted to just split the other bag with Anne.  I had two apples in my bag that I tried to give him as well, but he wouldn't accept.  I felt so awful for him.  Meade asked why his fingernails were so dirty and he didn't respond.  It is hard for children to understand why people don't have homes, food to eat, shoes that fit, clean clothes, etc.  I hope it resonates with her how good we truly have it and that if we can help someone else we always need to do that.