unknown fear

I know I have written on the fear of the unknown previously.  Now, I am dealing with fears I didn't know I had.  When we met with Laura last week, I guess I felt so uncomfortable regarding "abandonment."  It is very difficult for me to discuss this and also write it.  I am almost positive that my fears will not come to fruition, but I had to call Bethany and Phillip to discuss and process nonetheless.  You see, this concern makes me feel a little weak.  I am fiercely independent and I understand the fact that I will need to be more dependent on others after birth.  That said, this opens up tremendous vulnerability for me.  However, if I am being true to myself, I feel the need to write about it.

During our time with Laura she broached how we would work our time together at the hospital.  B and I had already talked about briefly and she mentioned she would stay in the room with me, which I welcomed.  As we talked in Laura's office, I looked at Bethany and said "you said you would stay with me." I suppose I had no idea what my tone and nonverbal cues suggested, but B later told me that I had the look of ultimate fear in my eyes.

I tried to shake it off and listened to a podcast out of Australia with a surrogacy counselor regarding fears.  Of course, the first fear associated and brought to light was that of abandonment.  In one way, I felt liberated because it is a natural fear.  In other ways, it was concerning because it is a real fear.  I listened intently and learned that (like through all of this), transparency and communication is key. 

Abandonment in this journey will not be realized, if ever, until after the time of birth.  It is extremely important for me to be respectful of B/P and their time with their baby, but what does that mean for me?  Throughout this whole process, I have been celebrated way too much and way too often.  Once the baby arrives, it isn't about me anymore.  That is okay, that is the way it is supposed to be!  But, what about me?  How will I handle it?  I have no idea and I am scared to death that I will need more support than I want to admit.  All of this said, I discussed further with Bethany.

When I texted Bethany asking for some time to chat, I didn't know how to give it a whirl, but I knew I had to.  Together, we talked it through.  Never at any time do B/P feel that they will abandon me - frankly, I don't think they will either.  Even with their sweet baby, they are going to make sure I am taken care of.  Regardless, I may not skip a beat and all will be fine after birth.  However, I am one to address risks and try to mitigate those before they become issues.  So, together we are going to come up with a plan so that I do not feel alone and that I have the necessary support.  We all know that the support each of us have here has been immense and we will lean on that, if necessary.  I want to ensure that B/P are given ample time to spend with their little one without me around - they deserve that and it is important for them to bond as a family, alone.

There are so many fears on both of our sides, many parallel one another.  Bethany and Phillip have to relinquish so much control and trust to us throughout the process.  Technically they could fear that I would want to keep the baby - which we know is not going to happen.  Regardless, they have every right to be fearful and I have to understand that.  We have vowed to continue to be open with one another for all subjects - good and bad.  That is the ONLY way this will work!