planning it out

I am a planner, always have been probably always will be.  Well, folks, the joke is on me now!  You never know which way this journey will lead and how you will get there, I have learned.

I asked to chat with Bethany last night to just understand more of the process of actual transfer.  I mean, assuming that the estrogen I am on now allows my uterine lining to get thick enough during the January 30th ultrasound, then we are set to move forward with transfer.  That means that the only outstanding items are my weight loss, B/P's pick of the donor egg, and our legal contract.  It is crazy to think that the transfer is in sight!

That brings me to my dilemma.  I want to be able to plan for the transfer.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  I have to live with it.  I went ahead and set the date for Meade's birthday party hoping it will be a little too early to expect transfer then, but who knows.  It has been my plan to get this shit done as soon as possible, so if I get a call to start taking more meds to prepare for the IVF I will do it.  If I am told I need to be in Maryland for the transfer on the day of Meade's birthday party, so be it, I will go. 

I am trying not to be my totally type A self and just let things happen.  It is not easy, but if I try to plan for the transfer, I think I will be setting unreasonable expectations and ultimately myself up for disappointment.

The moral of the story is there is no plan.  Just like with my own pregnancies, I had no plan.  If I had no plan, I had no expectations.  If I had no expectations, I wouldn't be let down.  It kills me to say this, because my mind hasn't really believed it even though I can write it and the words can come out of my mouth.

In the book I am currently reading (written by the grand daugther of a sweet friend at Westminster Canterbury), this sentence resonated with me:  "I was starting to see how truly the timing I wanted might now always be best, and that delays might be conduits for divine intervention."

You know what else I can't plan for?  The way my damned body is reacting to everything!  I was sure my period was over this morning when there was little flow yesterday and none last night.  Well, jokes on me again.  As I walked on the treadmill at the gym at work, I was delightfully surprised.  Yuck.  However, I am trying to think that this is a blessing in that my body still had more weight to lose from the entire cycle and maybe, just maybe, my weigh in yesterday wasn't totally accurate.  Here's to being positive!