an overnight getaway

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of getting out of our routine, putting the kids in the car, and making a trip up to Baltimore to see some of my favorite cousins and great aunt.  While there was an episode and we were not able to visit my 95 year old aunt, we did have the most wonderful time.

I was able to steal 40 minutes to myself to go for a walk around my cousin's neighborhood to get some devoted exercise in, too, thanks to my parents.  About a half of a mile in, I really just wanted to go back to the house and take it easy.  I wanted to relax, even though walking allows me to ease my mind, I was just tired and wanted to quit.  Then, I came across this sign in one of the yards I walked by.  So fitting.  I didn't give up at that point and remembered the entire reason for being on this journey and my weight loss is a small part of it.  However, if it doesn't happen, we will be unable to proceed.

As more cousins gathered for some family time, I shared with them this experience and that while much is still unknown, my heart is all in and I have all the faith in the world that it will work out.  It was interesting to hear one of my cousins say that she was an egg donor in her twenties and she simply understood my desire.  I had never really looked at this from the donor's perspective and it is important to understand their role in this and that even though this baby will come from a generous donor, Bethany will always be this sweet thing's mama.  I really enjoy sharing all of this with those around me because it opens others' eyes to a world that is not often talked about.  I am lucky to have never experienced infertility, but I am finding such compassion for those that have walked these roads similar to Bethany and Phillip.

From the mouth of the actress that played my favorite character ever:

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." - Julie Andrews

a day off

I have a lot of PTO to take before the end of the year, even with saving some for my short term disability bank, to be used during the quasi-maternity leave.  Thus, I was off today.  I decided I would spend time doing things for me!

Much of that time was spent focusing on exercise and catching up around the house.  I tried to get on the treadmill early, but my thigh muscle wasn't cooperating.  I only did 1 mile at the gym but knew I would have some time to walk outside and reflect later in the day and for who knows why, that doesn't seem to bother my thigh.

After dropping my car off to get recalls taken care of, I found a park I had never been to - Cold Harbor Battlefield.  There I froze my ass off, but walked two more miles on the winding trail through the woods.  I even picked up some pine cones when done to work on some crafts with the kids.

I ran some errands but didn't feel like I had exercised enough.  So, I set out to get a few more steps in and went to a trail really close by that I had done in the past, but had never gone to the end because it wasn't conducive with a stroller.  It was beautiful and I am so glad I made the time to get another 2.5 miles in before getting other stuff done at home and heading to see my special lady at Westminster Canterbury this evening.

As I have mentioned before, my time with Ms. Clare is so special and something I cherish every second of.  There was however an instance that really bothered me tonight.  I could hear a close table talking about us and it was obvious they weren't worried about anything, but literally talking just to be talking.  At one point one of the ladies even said she (meaning me) knows that they were talking about us.  'Tis true.  I couldn't figure it out but it made me so very angry.  I guess I haven't gotten over it yet, but I plan to.  I saw something on social media this week that really puts it all into perspective - see here.



I am not going to let those 90 seconds steal my thunder and ruin the time I am so lucky to share with Ms. Clare and everyone else around me.  It is simply not worth it.  I think I will have to remind myself of this a lot throughout this journey and it is better to start heeding this advice sooner rather than later.

moments of no self control

The biggest part of this journey right now for me is my weight loss.  None of this will be possible if I am not able to get below 35 BMI.  That said, I am working hard to exercise and eat right.  None of us can be perfect all of the time, right?

This week has been really tough.  I told Gregory that we would make some muffins, homemade blueberry muffins.  I didn't think it would be that difficult to do so without eating them - I make batch after batch of chocolate chip cookies without ever tasting the dough or a bite once baked off.  These muffins are killing me!  Not only do I want to shove spoonfuls of batter into my face, I want to test them once done baking.  But not just one, I mean, some look a little deformed and I probably shouldn't serve those either.  It got to the point where I asked Jacob to remove the remainder from the mini muffin tin because I had lost all will power!

After eating so many of those and being down on myself, I said who gives a shit and ate three pieces of the kids' Halloween candy before bed.  Geez louieez!  I had actually done really well and I think only eaten two pieces total since we bought the candy, but how have I gotten to this point!?  Just stuffing my face and reveling in the deliciousness only to beat myself up for indulging.  It really isn't worth it in the end.

As I was telling a friend about my lack of will to stay on track, she put it all in perspective - "you didn't eat four did you?"  I guess so, my friend, I guess you're right.  There is always tomorrow and even the next moment.  We can't wallow in our past but make better decisions for the future.

patience is a...

Virtue?  I suppose.  More like patience is a bitch!  Boy do I have a difficult time just letting things be and taking them as they come.  I do not have the strength or power to make everything happen in an instant.

I struggle with this but I do know that God has a plan for us throughout this journey and we are on His time, not ours.  I learned something more about how this process will continue to take longer than expected, despite everything else.  When I looked at the financial sheet from Shady Grove, I had no idea what it meant to see "1 donor to 3 intended parents."  Well, I have since been educated.  You may not know, either.  What this means, and as the cheapest option, one donor is providing eggs for three sets of parents.  That said, it means that three intended couples have chosen this specific donor and all three of them must be on track time wise for the removal/transfer.

From what Bethany has said, this creates a longer process because it is never known when the specific donor has three interested couples and that everything works within their timelines, too.  So frustrating!  But, I will remain positive and still be optimistic of my personal timeline (even though this does not matter one bit, as I said, I just want everything done as soon as it can be) but know that timing is perfect with His touch.

So many logistics, yet such large faith!

"Faith in God includes faith in God's timing."  - Neal A. Maxwell

finding serenity

Several weeks ago, Christen, my sister-in-law and Bethany's sister, reached out to me to see if we could have some time together.  I welcomed that but then got nervous.  What if she was upset with me?  What if she wishes I never broached this subject?  What if, what if, what if...  This is how my mind works and it is really ridiculous.  Once I realized that she just wanted to chat and spend time together, my mind was put at ease.

Fast forward to today, Christen and I met downtown at part of the James River Park that I had never been to - the Pipeline Walkway.  I arrived about 45 minutes early because I was a little nervous about not being able to navigate the walkway and I also wanted to make sure I got some dedicated exercise in before we met.  Stepping down on that walkway on my own was so liberating.  I had no idea the sense of peace that would come with that 10 minute walk down the pipeline and back.  I made sure I was totally aware and mindful the entire time.  I took tons of pictures and just felt everything.  I listened to the rushing water; watched the sun glisten on the river.  It was absolutely breathtaking.  I couldn't believe I stumbled on a slice of heaven so close to home that I had never even heard about.

I walked back up awaiting Christen and trying to get some more exercise in.  When she got there, we went down on the walkway together.  She was as enamored as I was at the beauty there to experience.  We hopped off the walkway for a little bit and sat in the sand on the bank of the river for a little bit.  We talked, got a little teary, laughed, and were ourselves, together.  Beyond the environment that couldn't have been any more perfect, I am happy to have spent that time with Christen.  We eventually walked to lunch and chatted further.  I am so thankful to have had this time for me and for us.  I am going to make a point to spend more one on one time with Christen and also do some more local exploring.  Who knows what else is out there that I have yet to encounter?

"As I went down to the river to pray, studying about that good ol' way.  And who shall wear the starry crown, Good Lord, show me the way."  - Alison Krauss

family filled saturday

Today was a great day, but stressful.  We had a lot of really fun family time with Jacob's family but Jacob wasn't feeling well.  He is such a crank-pot when he is under the weather.  When we got home, I made him go to the doctor, where he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection.  To make it easier on him, I said I would go to grab the prescriptions.  That was a disaster, too.  I couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep so I could drown myself in wine.  Wait, I don't do that anymore.

So, I went out for a walk instead.  On that walk, Bethany had a wonderful conversation discussing everything.  She had had a rough week, too.  No matter what, we both have faith in this journey and in each other.

One thing she said to me was to have no expectation of timelines.  This kind of killed me because I am so very impatient.  But, I am glad that she put it all into perspective.  I cannot expect things to go as planned and will take them as they come.  Boy am I a planner, though!  I am crossing my fingers for "my" timeline, however, I know all of this is in God's hands and it will happen in His time.

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." - Albert Einstein

a crazy halloween

Well, I didn't make it to the gym this morning.  Gregory woke up around 415 and decided to come downstairs with me.  He doesn't like being downstairs by himself so I knew he would just go up and get in bed with Jacob.  Maybe I was being pretty lazy myself?  Thus, I decided to just get stuff done before starting the normal morning routine, prepping for my manager to also be in town today.

Jacob was kind enough to take the kids to school so that I could get to the office earlier than normal.  Little did he know the monsters (I mean dragons) were supposed to be put in their costumes upon arrival.  Apparently he just dropped the kids and the costumes, letting the teachers handle it all.  :)  Smart thinking!

I was so nice to see my boss - I hadn't seen her since May.  She was blown away by my weight loss and we did get into this journey just a little bit.  I am not ready to share with my team at work yet and I can trust her.  Regardless, she was super supportive and noted that the promotion I am up for will not be affected at all by this revelation.  She is so kind - she brought gifts for the kids and also gave me movie tickets because she realizes (and appreciates) all of the extra I do for work and wanted to make sure she provided something for Jacob and I to do with each other.  I'm not much of a movie person but we will make it a point to go by ourselves sometime soon!

After a crazy, but good day at work, Jacob and I were ready to tackle trick or treating.  We have always gone to my aunt and uncles for supper and then walked down their street.  This year we decided to stay close to home and make a new tradition.  We sure did miss Aunt and Uncle Shug, but we had a blast.  We met up with some friends and the kids got WAY too much candy.  The weather even held off, which was really nice.  The best part of it all is that when we got home, there wasn't much of a fight limiting the kids to two pieces of candy each.  Shew - I was worried about that one!


Looking back, I have to say I got frustrated three times with Gregory - as super nice neighbors filled his bucket up with candy, every time he got those darned whoppers, he would say, "I don't like those."  Really, kid?  At least say no thank you.  Maybe just trade with someone else.  But no, of course, he waited for the super nice neighbors to go back to their bowl and provide something more appealing.  Thank goodness for all of those nice people that took it in stride.  I can't say I would have been so nice, trying to teach someone else's kid to be gracious rather than picky.  If that is the worst of our evening, I will take it.  This is an opportunity to grow over the next year, though.  We will work on it!

"There is a child in everyone of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly lit front porch."  - Robert Brault

(i think my brightly lit front porch is this crazy, spooky, beautiful journey.)