letting it go

There’s a time and a place for me in this journey.  It is not me at the helm.  While I have been persistent and asking a ton of questions, it has become obvious that Shady Grove and their clinicians do not appreciate my due diligence.  This is a test for me - I hate tests!  As much as my patience is already tested, I have to let Bethany take the reigns and simply follow.

I refuse to give up.  I will never give up.  I do feel a bit defeated, but I have to get over that.  I have always been one to ask a lot of questions to be able to make the most informed decision possible. Shady Grove does not appreciate me, as the gestational carrier, being in that position.  I have to respect that.  I am just a means to the end.

I have always been a leader, not a follower.  God put me in this position to teach me to slow my role and let things happen.  This is so difficult - I am not good at this.  However, together, we will prevail.

A little back story here is that I have asked a ton of questions to the clinical coordinator, few of which have been answered and if broached at all, not answered completely.  That is not okay with me.  But, I will begin to defer to Bethany and Phillip to ask the questions we both have.  After Bethany spoke with the Psychologist today (the only one we were referred to in the Richmond area), it was obvious that she was not happy I had done the initial outreach.  She also was upset that I had asked billing questions.  All of this very frustrating!

At this point, I feel as if SGF is somewhat like a cult.  They rope you in so tightly, not willing to disclose the dirty truths that by the time you have to sign the dotted line, you feel as if there is no other option but to sign before all of the information is displayed.  I know the "cult" analogy may be a little harsh, but it really feels like that at times.  SGF is out to make money, which I cannot blame them for, but it seems as though creating families is by far a second priority.  There is no reason why much of this testing can be done elsewhere and should not have to be self-pay for Bethany and Phillip.

I know I have rambled much of this post.  I am trying very hard to stay positive and follow God's plan - not Shady Grove's.  If God feels that we must go through them, then so be it.  However, I will not be so willing without the appropriate information at the right time to ensure it is the best option by far.  I am frustrated but am going to go to bed and say my prayers thanking God for putting us all in this together.  I am going to wake up tomorrow with a new outlook on the process, while keeping the end goal at the heart of it all.