all strapped in

Our seat belts buckled and the bars down, we had no idea the twists and turns of the roller coaster we were on Thursday.  I have tried to detail much of it, hold on for the ride...

The four of us (Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and me) walked into SGF early.  We were on a time crunch between the appointments there in Arlington and Jacob and my appointments with the psychologist in DC that afternoon.  Our clinical coordinator suggested we get there early and informed them of the time crunch we were on.  The receptionist wasn't so nice and friendly, told us our appointments were at a different time than we had scheduled, but Bethany handled it like a champ even though I wanted to bark the lady's ear off.

Within minutes in the waiting area, I was taken to the lab.  The sweetest phlebotomist, who does pretty much everything there, named Ann, got me on the first stick and I gave her the 7 (I think) vials of blood.  Ann had mentioned they were expecting me and that everything would be fine.  Blood drawn and pee sample given, it was back to the waiting room we went.  Anne called me in again to get my weight.  205.7!!!  Right where I thought I was and definitely shows everyone at Shady Grove the progress we are making!

It wasn't long before we were called back for the mock embryo transfer (MET).  Bethany went in with me.  I was pretty nervous, because these things can hurt.  I hadn't taken motrin or anything as a precaution and the PA said I really didn't need it that the HSG would have hurt worse. They put a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus.  I literally only felt the speculum they put in.  When they said that it was in, I couldn't believe it.  Bethany and I watched everything on the screen.  They then put in the saline to open the uterus and get a better view.  They showed where they could see my cesarean scars and pointed out that everything looks really good!  She did an internal ultrasound and showed both of my ovaries, also great (not that they are needed for this).  Thus, you can see our before and after shots!

Back to the waiting room we went before we were called back for the consultation with Dr. Nair.  We were technically scheduled with her at 11, but had hoped to be called earlier due to our crazy day.  We probably went back around 1050 and the four of us crowded into her office.  She was such a lovely person.  We went through all that we had discussed previously and even getting additional testing.  Of course, with every additional test, there are additional costs.  Dr. Nair was going to see if we could be candidates for a study being done to take care of those expenses.  Should that work, we would definitely explore it further, although it could delay the overall timing of things, too.  Dr. Nair was very positive about everything!  We discussed all of the next steps, which if everything goes well, we can most likely do the transfer in the February/March time frame!!!  We left her office all on a high.  As Bethany had said, everything in their first IVF journey was speed bump after hurdle.  With today's tests thus far, everything was perfect.  Of course, I still had some weight to lose, but we were right on track!  When I asked Dr. Nair what else I can do to prepare, she said just keep doing what I am doing to lose weight and not lose track of overall wellness.  Sure thing!!

Into an uber and off to DC we go for the psych evaluation!  Dr. Covington (Laura), the psychologist was very nice.  She took me in for about an hour and a half by myself.  Jacob went to grab a bite to eat and relax.  There were really no questions that I hadn't already thought about or ones that weren't obvious to answer based on my history.  Although it was a lot, it went like clockwork.  I was ushered out and Jacob went in for about 20 minutes on his own.  Laura came back out to get me and we discussed more together for about an hour.  Every time I did a pulse check with Laura, she was very positive.  There were no outright concerns that she could think of (or was willing to share with us).  Once that part was done, Jacob was back out to the waiting room and I completed the MMPI, some personality inventory that consisted of 567 questions - yes 567!  All questions were answered in True/False manner on a scantron sheet.  Many questions were duplicates but asked differently, I suppose for consistency purposes.  I think I finished in about an hour.  During that time, Laura was in and out as she had said she needed to make some phone calls.  When all was said and done, I again asked about how she felt and next steps.  She mentioned that she should have the results of the testing next week and she would follow up at that time.  While her response wasn't as positive as the earlier ones, I just assumed it was a formality and I confirmed that we did have our counseling session as a group of four on January 3rd.  Before I left, I took a picture of this on her bookshelf.  God must've known I was going to need to read it over and over and over.

As I was shaking her hand to leave, I got a phone call from a NoVA number that I did not know.  I declined it and we walked out.  The same number called again and I assumed it was our uber back, so I asked Jacob to answer it so I could say bye to Laura.  Jacob was quick to say it was Dr. Nair and she needed to speak with me.  Interesting?  We had just discussed everything a little bit ago.  I had to pee so bad so took her on the phone into the bathroom.  She asked several detailed questions about my delivery with Gregory and why I was put under among other questions.  She then said that she is doing due diligence to ensure that the Medical Director wouldn't have any issues.  I proceeded to get a little shitty and said Dr. Nair, why would any of us have made the time for everything today if those questions (which we have already covered) could be show stoppers?  She apologized and said she just had to cross all of the ts and dot all of the is.  I understand, however, Bethany and Phillip have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on today's visits alone and this is not at all fair to any of us.  Dr. Nair understood and said that if for some reason we were not able to proceed, SGF would find a way to credit Bethany and Phillip back.

I got off the phone feeling the lowest low after experiencing the highest highs throughout the day.  What now?  Should I get Bethany worried?  I had to tell them, we have vowed to be open and honest through everything.  Our four hour drive home was me stewing in my own mess and Jacob egging me on.  Finally, I had to tell myself and Jacob that I couldn't talk about it anymore, thinking of all the buts and ifs, because my mind was making it worse.  We finally got home around 9pm and profusely thanked my parents for picking up the kids and doing the evening routine with them before they headed back on the 1.5 hour drive home.  We filled them in on everything and the frustration that the beautiful day ended on.  Of course, they were supportive and hopeful it would all work out.

I was able to sleep, but woke up with the raw emotions of it all.  I was scared and frustrated.  I prayed and prayed.  I knew God's plan was bigger than mine and he would guide is through it all regardless of the AWFUL uncertainty ahead.  I went into the gym and only did one mile, but vowed to do more later in the day.  I decided to check my e-mail to see if we had heard anything from our clinical coordinator.  Low and behold, I had this message from her (from yesterday afternoon):

Hi All,  I want to update you.  The synchrony study is not eligible for gestational carriers.  Dr. Nair said the appointment went well.  We will be able to move onto the mockeep with Julia’s next period and receipt of the psych consult report.  Julia, just saw your BMI.  Awesome job!

Even the clinical coordinator was on the same page as we were all day long (until we weren't).  What went wrong and when?!?  That's the question I kept asking myself.

Around 8am I got a call from Bethany that everything was just fine.  She had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Nair who was very apologetic but had run my records by colleagues and we had no reason to worry.  A new next step would be to have a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and have those notes sent to Dr. Nair.  This is totally fine considering I had an MFM follow me through the last two pregnancies and I didn't mind at all.  After all, if this is what we have to do, no worries.  The relief I felt was awesome, but then it felt like I had the worst hangover ever.  I took a nap and still woke up feeling like crap.  I decided that I needed to take my mind off of everything so I called my parents and asked if I could bring the kids to visit.  I told Bethany I was not going to get back in the gym and she was very supportive of that - I think we all just needed a mental break.  So, I picked up the kids after lunch at school and headed to my parents house to see my aunt in from Florida and meet my cousin's child for the first time.  It was a great evening and exactly what I needed. 

I must say, writing this has me reliving all of those emotions, but I promised to give the good, the bad, and the ugly to those reading.  This is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am wholeheartedly in it for the long haul!