keeping the faith

Y'all, my faith has been tested over the last few days.  I have been so positive throughout this whole journey and I have to keep that optimism and know that the recent hiccup is just another speed bump on this road.  I continue to pray and God keeps telling me that everything is going to be just fine.  I am trusting what he is telling me.

I swear, I have never in my life felt so connected to spirit.  The relationship with God in my heart is stronger than it has ever been.  I am thankful for that.

While I not ready to share the the current issue publicly, I will in due time, once everything is smoothed over.  I have shared what is going on with Bethany and have ensured her that I am still fully invested in this journey and 110% committed.

On a brighter note, at my weigh in this morning, I lost three more pounds.  I am down to 220 - 20 more to go for the mock cycle and 30 more total for transfer!  To top it off, I had a lovely off-site work meeting with a lady that has been a shining light in my life and career over the last decade.  She truly inspires me and has been one to teach me to trust my faith and to listen to God.  This beautiful soul is one of the reasons that I made this "offer."

When I was at Westminster Canterbury last week, I bought a few children's books at their thrift sale.  I saw this book and read it just now.  It has given me everything I need:

"There are times when I worry about what might happen next and what happened before.  The thoughts in my head are like rushing water, and I feel like a boat with no anchor...being carried away.  I give myself a moment.  I take a breath.  And then I tell myself: It's alright.  I feel the ground beneath my feet and steady myself and start to notice the HERE and the NOW.  My thoughts begin to settle.  My mind begins to clear.  I am Peace.  I can watch my worries gently pop and disappear.  I let thing go.  I can say what I feel inside out loud.  I know myself.  I can share kindness with others.  I make a difference.  I can hug a tree and thank it for its beauty and strength.  I connect to nature.  I can watch the clouds make shapes against the sky.  I know wonder.  I can taste and smell and touch and see and hear and see what is all around me.  I use my senses.  I can feel my breath fill my whole body.  I tune into me.  Now the water is still.  I have found my anchor, and everything IS alright.  I don't need to worry about before or after.  I am in THIS moment.  I am peace.  Now I share my peace with others and hope that it is carried away to those who need it.  And I dream...WE ARE PEACE."

next steps

I think I have said this before, but the logistics of it all are daunting.  I can't wait for all of the preparation to be over and just deal with the pregnancy!  B and I were able to speak at length this weekend and I wanted to share our next steps with you all. 

• My main focus will continue to be on my weight loss, getting to the 200 by mid-January to do the mock transfer, hoping we can get to the actual transfer once I hit 190.
• The blog is going to get more personal, as permitted by Bethany.  B = Bethany; P = Phillip
• I am going to try to find ways to ensure we get enough of the parameters covered to monetize the blog, in hopes to raise money for Bethany and Phillip for all of the expenses, that will likely surpass 40K.
• I was hoping I may be able to represent myself in the legal contract to try and save money, but I have found that this is a must have.  Bummer.  We need to schedule an initial meeting hopefully in November.
• I am going to do some research on possible grants that Bethany and Phillip can apply for to offset costs.
• Bethany and Phillip will meet with a financial planner soon to see how they can make the finances work.
• This blog can be socialized with friends and family, but cannot be shared on social media yet.
• I have reached out to my OBGYN (that just moved from VWC to VCU) to get more information on the diagnostic testing, called HSG, that I need as well as any other information I may need to proceed.

Bear with us - there is just so much to do!  The good thing is that we have time.  The bad thing is that I am so darned impatient!

"Trust the process.  Your time is coming.  Just do the work and the results will handle themselves." - Tony Gaskins

reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

pure excitement

Today I will be going to a family birthday party in which B and all of her family will be there.  I have not yet had the opportunity to squeeze her parents since all of this began and I simply cannot wait.  When B/P, Jacob and I decided to explore further, I wanted to call B's parents to ensure they were on board.  We chatted and cried.  It was beautiful.  They were more than supportive and so very thankful for the renewed hope that now existed.  While her parents have never been truly my family, I met them at the same event where I met Jacob's siblings at our first Christmas together.  From that time, I always thought they were so special.  Now, our bond will just grow stronger.

For years I have tried to be a better me.  That person is starting to shine through.  I have so many weaknesses and flaws, but that just means that I have more room to develop.  One of those things I have always struggled with is accepting support, gifts, encouragement, etc.  I am really independent and always have been.  (My children are quite independent, too, and boy do we bump heads!)

This experience has definitely humbled me and is helping me to grow in that arena.  I had the beautiful opportunity yesterday to have lunch with my dear, beautiful friend and her mom, my special friend, Ms. Clare.  She always, I mean always, goes way above for my birthday and I didn't expect any less.  However, I never could've imagined all that she gave and wanted to continue to give to me.

I guess I never felt so worthy to be showered with such lovely things.  The past two years, she has given me a way too generous gift card to the most wonderful restaurant in Richmond, a little hole in the wall that Jacob and I truly cherish.  It is pretty expensive, likely why we had never been before.  I was selfishly hoping for another one of those so we could look forward to the delicious meal and lovely ambiance that restaurant provides.  Yesterday, she did not give that gift card, but instead gave me so much more.  So much that I really had a hard time accepting but had to take a step back and realize, they love me, they cherish me, and I am more than enough as their friends.  All of this said, I am looking forward to crafting with some of the best markers ever, a 90 minute massage, and spending a crazy amount of money at West Elm in Carytown.  Why me?  Why do I deserve such wonderful things?  Because I am worthy of them.  Because I am valued.  Because the relationships I cultivate are real and have meaning.  Because I am loved.  Because I return value and love with every ounce within me.

Inner dialogue is something I have not mastered.  My leader at work has been addressing this with me lately and I have been listening to some training to do better.  While it was so difficult, I accepted all of those gifts, not because it was the right thing to do, but because I was confident that they were given as love and value for the person I am.  I am valuable.  I am a good friend.  I surround myself with the most beautiful people on this planet.

Frankly, I am still on a high from my birthday.  I think this is just part of my daily life right now.  All is amazing and I know in my heart that next year we will be celebrating my birthday once again, with baby on board.  Today, as I approach this birthday party, I will have to contain my excitement a little bit.  It is not about me, B, or this journey.  It is about a sweet little boy we will all be gathered to celebrate.  However, I will be sure to get some awesome hugs, and cherish the time with this beautiful family.

"To be content doesn't mean you don't desire more, it means you're thankful for what you have and patient for what's to come." - Tony Gaskins

a new year

Today marks a new year, but the mission of the journey remains the same.  I am completely humbled by the many messages I received today - my family and friends are simply the best!  On my birthday next year, I am determined to be in the third trimester with B/P's sweet, sweet baby. 

I woke up feeling fulfilled.  I went on with my normal routine and hit the gym, knocking out to miles.  At the end of the day, I feel peace and validation.  Beyond the many, many "Happy Birthday" messages, I received a few really special ones.  Several people, some aware of this journey, some not, sent messages that thanked me for being an inspiration.  I get teared up writing this.  If I left this earth today, I would be okay.  If I have inspired others in some way, shape or form, I have met my purpose in life.

At this point, though, I'm not done!  I have so much more to give, so much light to spread, and so many others to influence in doing something kind for others. 

On my way home from the gym this morning, I sobbed.  I sobbed not because I was unhappy but because I have found the best of me.  It may have taken 36 years, but who cares.  I have never felt so much peace, understanding, and contentment in my life.  Everything has aligned.  I really attribute the majority of that to listening to my heart and sending the offer via email to B.

I am so thankful to have each of you here with me.  Your unwavering support for all of us is felt through prayers, notes, and encouragement.  I will leave you with the sweetest card I have ever received.  My dear Gregory, led by his crazily patient teacher made this for me today:

I love you because you are:

• Caring
• Pretty
• Nice

My heart is overflowing!

progress!

Things may never be ideal or perfect for everyone.  For me, I try to make the most of everything.  I am in the most perfect and ideal spot for me and I cannot be more thankful.  I am on the right journey at the right time and it is so much more than what will be given to B/P.  I am getting healthier for myself and my family.

I made a goal last week to walk/jog 18 miles.  Note, I made a monthly goal at the beginning of October to do a total of 38 miles (see the scaling down page).  18 in one week?  That's nuts, but I was determined.  I ended yesterday with a total of 18.5 miles for the week!!!  Since I weigh in on Wednesday mornings, I went in so excited to step on that scale.  Another 3 pound loss!

Anything is possible when we put our mind to it and limit the negative inner dialogue. 

What is so cool about all of this is that I was getting bored on the treadmill.  Yes, I would watch the news or SportsCenter or anything to keep me going, but it wasn't enough.  You know what I have found that is perfect?!?  Watching and listening to training courses that help me be a better professional, but more importantly, a better person.  If I am not happy with my work and continually fighting to overcome my weaknesses, what is the point?

This morning all of this hit me hard as I was watching a course of self-improvement modeling.  This resonated with me and I will leave it with you:

The Power of Thought - Walter Doyle Staples

When you change your thinking, you change your beliefs.
When you change your beliefs, you change your expectations.
When you change your expectations, you change your attitude.
When you change your attitude, you change your behavior.
When you change your behavior, you change your performance.
When you change your performance, you change your life!

What can you do to shift your thoughts and be the next best version of yourself?

legally confused

Of the few people I have socialized this journey with, three different people, on different occasions have said that I need to have Colleen Quinn represent me for the legal contract.  Several weeks ago, I listened to a radio show in which Colleen was interviewed.  If you'd like to indulge, you can find that here. 

One thing that I really, really liked is that their law center calls carriers that are doing this without money, a Compassionate Carrier.  No one had ever said that and it made so much sense.  Plus, it just sounds better than Gestational Carrier!  I think that as I talk more openly about this experience, that is what I will go to.  Of course, I will still have to explain because I'd have to with the GC verbiage regardless. 

After reaching out three times to Colleen, I finally got a call back.  I spoke with her legal assistant (who is new) and there were so many questions I didn't really know how to answer.  One thing I learned is that Colleen's firm always presents the paper (meaning it is their letterhead that is sent to the other attorney to review and redline).  While I would like to have her represent me, I thought I would leave the option open for B/P because they may want someone else to have everything on another attorney's "paper."  Or, maybe Colleen could represent them and then I could find someone else.  No matter what, neither of us will enter a legally binding contract with language that doesn't make sense to us.  Colleen ended up calling me to discuss everything so we were on the same page, which was really nice.

So, I am leaving this up to B/P for now to see what road they want to take.  Going with Colleen (and another attorney) will still cost probably around $4K before all is said and done, just for the contract!  Ugh, as if they already weren't committing to a huge financial burden!!

It is funny as I think back to my conversation with the other compassionate carrier I spoke to (yes, I like using that term and will do so going forward), she had mentioned that the initial contract that she reviewed stipulated the type of make up she could wear and crazy other things!  Well, if that is the way this goes, it will not be an easy process.  But, I think that B/P and Jacob and I are on the same page with everything so hopefully it will be less bumpy.  After all, together, we want the same outcome - the most beautiful one that I daydream about all the time!

"Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut."  Alex Gaskarth