reasons unknown

I had my follow up with Dr. C today.  She checked my incision and felt that everything is great.  When I mentioned that my fat roll was botched, she dismissed it and said that it just looks funny due to the swelling.  I am not having that, but figured she would see at the six week check.  All in all, though, everything is great.  I felt that my incision smelled bad but she didn't smell it and there was no indication of any infection or anything.  

When sweet Charity, our nurse, was doing my vitals and such, she went through the postpartum assessment.  Every question was something about moods, behaviors, and when asked if anything has changed or if anything is essentially bad, is it for reasons unknown.  I answered everything honestly because even though I am struggling, I know the reasons.  I think I've mentioned this before, but I do not in any way feel that my sadness has anything to do with the birth or the baby.  And frankly, I am probably better off since sweet Makenna was born.  My hormones should be getting somewhat back to normal, which is what throws me for a loop emotionally during pregnancy.

Mom and I grabbed the kids from school and headed down to her house for a couple of days.  The kids are off school tomorrow and we need to be back Saturday morning for soccer.  I never thought to pack snacks for the ride to Granny and Pops', instead I was sure to be stocked for the soccer game.  As if that makes any sense - but, that shows you where I am mentally these days.  The kids were fussing and whining so much about the lack of snacks - even though I had some random things in the car - as well as the temperature.  Meade is always hot and Gregory is always cold.

Finally, my poor Mom lost it.  She yelled at Meade:  that's enough, I have heard enough, damnit!  I knew this wasn't going to end well.  Even though it shut Meade up for the remainder of the ride, it hurt Granny that she broke.  I reached over to hold her hand and just rubbed her arm a little - I knew what was coming.  Poor Mom couldn't hold back the tears and quietly sobbed for a moment.  It broke my heart.  I know all too well this feeling, especially now.

Eventually, we made it here to Heathsville.  It was so wonderful to see and hug daddy and just be.  Sarah was there helping with tons of things around the house, as she had been doing for weeks now.  Thank God for her!  We had a nice evening with the normal routine, my favorite supper, puzzling, and even a game of ten thousand before Sarah went home.  

I do feel some peace in my heart being here.  I was nervous about it being the first time without Ricky being there since he passed, but it hasn't hit me yet, if it will even do so these next couple of days.  We all miss Jacob, but I am where I need to be at this time.