busy wednesday

I've dreaded today for a while.  The first therapy visit since birth, and well, since Ricky died.  I don't want to talk through this stuff with anyone else just yet.  I just want to manage through the days that keep coming.  That said, I didn't have a choice and Mom was in my ear that I had to go.

It wasn't that bad.  I blindsided my therapist with the birth was fine, I am fine from that, but my brother passed away 5 days prior to the birth.  I think it was like a whammy had just been dropped in her lap.  She didn't know what to say, which was fine with me because then I didn't have to respond.  I wish there was a way for a therapist to just tell me how to help myself verses going through all of the emotions and reliving everything.  I do understand, though, that talking about it is part of the process and there is no step by step way to get through grief. 

I told her I felt numb or frozen to everything.  However, when I said that I forgot how much this hurts, she said I am definitely not numb.  She suggested we meet again soon and I said three weeks.  In the background, mom held out two fingers.  So, the week of Thanksgiving, I have another session set.  In all honesty, though, I feel no postpartum depression.  I think all my feelings are stemming from Ricky's untimely death.  I am so damned happy for Bethany and Phillip, however, it is hard to feel that happiness.  I in no way want Makenna to be mine - she is exactly where she needs to be. 

We ended the call with another appointment set for November 22nd.  Ugh - I tried to go three weeks, but Mom was yelling two in the background and the therapist agreed.

We were all set for dance class and ninja monkeys and our dear friend Adrienne brought us supper.  Listening to my Mom and Adrienne talk was so cathartic to me.  I loved that they could chat, especially about God and the bible and I just listened.  I didn't want Adrienne to leave, but we had lots going on for the evening.  In addition, Adrienne brought over a delicious meal of steak, potatoes, and asparagus - exactly what Jacob had in mind.  I think we were all thrilled with the supper!

I checked my email on a whim and noticed that dance class was cancelled due to a power outage.  Of course.  Poor Meade looks so forward to dance, I immediately went in the other room to see if a close nail salon could fit us in for manicures.  That way we could divert Meade's attention with something special.  It was really nice to go and do that.  Meade picked the colors for all three of us.  I kind of wish I got the one that Mom got, but all was perfect.

Finally, the day was coming to an end and we came home and ate every bite of supper with so much gratitude.  Sometimes it is hard to get through the days, but I have to remember to be thankful for all I've still got in this world.