a frozen heart

There's no way to explain how conflicted I am right now.  I have experienced the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs over the past week and I still can't feel either of them yet.  All I can think is that my heart is frozen.  Maybe one day it will thaw?

As I got up to pee last night before Jacob came to bed, I saw the children both in my bed, sleeping peacefully. That provided me some comfort and a smile.  It was as if I could feel some emotions, but the ones I wanted to feel were eluding me.

Dad and Sarah came this morning, but couldn't stay too late this afternoon because it is his monthly poker night with his buddies out in the Northern Neck.  The best part of the day was that Bethany, Phillip and Makenna were going to stop by for a little bit, too.  Oh, I couldn't wait for Daddy to meet Makenna.  His heart is going to be so full.

When the new little family arrived, we welcomed them into our sun room, which we hadn't used yet since being in this new house.  The heat was on and it was a perfect spot to be together.  Dad held Makenna first.  Seeing him with her, watching tears stream down his face, melted my heart a little.  I was thankful for that and also shed a few tears.  

The children were able to see the baby for the first time and while Gregory was fine to be on his way, Meade was in love, trying to touch her all over.  They were wearing masks and only allowed to touch her feet for now.  I love how sweet and protective Meade is being, but I also love how Bethany and Phillip are standing their ground with Meade, when she gets too close or tries to touch Makenna not on her socks.  

I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  It was heartwarming and I think did all of us a lot of good.  It meant so much that Bethany and Phillip were comfortable coming over here with a five day old to say hi and bring us so much joy.

This evening, both of the children had their activities - Meade goes to dance class and Gregory has Ninja Monkeys.  Our friend, Lindsay, picked up mom and Meade so that they could together go to dance without either of us driving.  It was nice to have a few minutes to myself and I laid down on the coach for about 45 minutes.  I think I needed that.  Mom enjoyed watching Meade dance, too, so it was a win for us all.