creating my peace

Sleep was difficult last night, even with a little melatonin.  I am just off, which is okay.  I was exhausted all of yesterday then when it came to wind down, I was wide awake.  Nerves for today I am sure.  The best part about today, regardless of the unknowns and utmost desires, is that I am at peace.  No matter what happens, we will celebrate or persevere toward future celebration.  

The rainy morning didn't allow for me to get my walk it, but it did provide some extra rest and a long bath, which I think are just as, if not more, important today.  I put a dress on and feel good about myself.  As I sit down to begin work, I ripped off yesterday's part of the desk calendar.  The words today couldn't be any better - allowing perspective to permeate every ounce of my being.

This is so true of me and I have said many many times that my mind is my own worst enemy.  Life is going according to the plan that it should and I have to trust that.  There is no emergency today - or any other day.  We must have faith that everything will work out as it should.  I will not let the results of today become an emergency or dictate an abundance of negative or positive thoughts moving forward.  If we get the blessed opportunity to see a sweet heartbeat, then we will definitely celebrate, yet do so cautiously.  This is only 6 weeks in to a long, long journey in which that heartbeat could cease to exist any longer at any point in time.  This is the struggle with pregnancy - there is no guarantee.  On the other hand, if there is no detection of life anymore, then I will know that this little one just wasn't strong enough to outlast and has become another angel for each of us.  We will move forward to get a new donor and go down the path of another fresh transfer as time allows.  Obviously not ideal, yet it will not be made into an emergency.  We will rise up and move forward.

Even having said that, so many prayers are being said - from all over - for this embryo today and everyday.  I pray we see that flutter and we continue down the path of a healthy baby/pregnancy to come!