so angry

Today has been really rough for me.  Of course, I had Meade home since it is Wednesday.  We were both going stir crazy and frankly, I was getting sad.  I sat at the dining room table doing a puzzle and cried and cried.  I am so angry.  Not at anyone, but the situation.  I hate to question God, but I don't understand.  I tried to get a ton of things done to keep my mind off of everything, but it was really difficult.  

I ordered a birthday gift to be delivered to our dear Mary Pat in Baltimore and texted her to let her know.  She called and the timing was perfect.  We cried together.  She helped to talk me through things and even after losing her husband 3 years ago, she still struggles.  Together, we are doing our best to make the most of our counseling sessions even though it isn't what we really want to do.

The weather was beautiful so Meade and I walked to the church to play.  As soon as we got there, school called.  Gregory was in the clinic with a headache.  Apparently he spent all morning with his head on his desk crying - not like him at all.  We put two and two together and realized that it is probably from his second COVID shot yesterday.  Maybe this is why I am struggling today - they offered me my booster and I gladly took it.  Possibly this is why I am not well today. 

We walked back immediately and picked up Gregory.  He was pitiful.  I gave him some motrin and had him lie down.  Wednesday afternoons, the kids go and play at a neighbors with her grandchildren and I asked if he was feeling better if he could still come and she was absolutely okay with that.  I walked them over and should have gone for another walk, but opted to come home and sit at the puzzle.  Again, I was overcome with tears of sadness and anger.  Jacob got home and was really sweet.  He offers to talk about it, but I am not good at that.

I know that anger is part of the grieving process and that is a good thing that I am experiencing it, I suppose.  Grief is hell.  I hate it.  I know it does get better.  I have lived this once.  I just want to be able to snap my fingers and be well again.