MD F/U

I have been having some extreme anxiety about this appointment.  I have never felt so needy and so insecure.  I feel like my heart is cold and I am having trouble functioning to be brutally honest.  When the sweet nurse took me back, she asked all of the postpartum questions and I lost it.  Postpartum or not, I am not well.  I know that is okay and I will get better in time, but it still stinks.  I hate being so fucking vulnerable.  

I finally gathered myself only for Dr. C to come in the room and I lost it all over again.  She even mentioned that everything was "shit timing."  She did feel that it would be okay for me to stay out of work a little longer, but I would need to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I understand.  That is more of a way to tell my employer that it is in our plan of action even though it might take six months to truly be seen.  It hurt a little bit to see "unable to return to work due to postpartum depression."  This is real life, though.  I have to accept it and work toward getting better, which I am determined to do.  I sent the paperwork in to see if they could extend my short term disability.  The lady at work said that my office visit note would be needed to supplement the paperwork and get approved.  I hope that gets sent soon.

I am trying so hard not to stress over things, but it is like I am so overwhelmed that I am stoic.  I am getting nothing done and I can't get myself together enough to even make a list and start checking it off.  

I let Bethany know I would be out of work for a while longer and that Dr. C said that I needed to visit them because she was sure that would help me heal a little bit each time.  We set a time for me to go there Thursday.  I'm a little nervous about getting upset, but if it is going to happen, being in Bethany and Makenna's presence will be the best place for comfort.  Too late, Bethany called to check in and I lost it over the phone.  Ugh, I hate this.  She was so kind and said all of the right things, basically validating my feelings and listening to everything.

Each day brings new struggles on my end but new milestones and happiness for their family.  I will take it for now and know that one day I will be able to experience the same milestones and happiness with Makenna, too.