all the lights

This evening, Renn and his mother came up to go see the light show at the Meadow Event Park with me and the children. It was hard to enjoy it as the boys were screaming the entire time.  I must say, last year I really liked it.  I wish I would have had the opportunity to relish in the beautiful lights, but there's always next year.  Plus, my mind is so foggy right now.  I am sure that is part of it.  

I also had therapy today.  Even though Gregory is home and in the background, counseling needs to be my priority as much as I don't want it to.  We talked through several things and did some guided imagery.  I don't know if it helped, but I was able to find a peaceful spot to go to when I need a break.  I told her my trepidation about going back to work.  I am so nervous all the time about getting upset.  I am sure my hormone levels don't help but I am not thinking this is as much postpartum depression as it is grief.  Regardless, I am struggling.  With the six week check coming up next Monday, my therapist has said that she does not think I should go back to work immediately, suggesting taking a few more weeks to work on everything emotionally.  I agree, but I am distraught trying to figure out my benefits at work and such.  I used to be on top of everything now it seems like all is spiraling out of control.

My Leave of Absence coordinator at work suggested I take the "free" six weeks of parental leave that will get me through the holidays.  I don't know if I want to do this and am freaking out on what is best.  The last thing that can happen is to lose my job.  I enjoy it, I have worked really hard to get where I am.  I can't have that be in jeopardy on top of everything else.  I have to trust that God has this in his hands and that everything will work out.