time away

I haven't been sleeping well. I think it is anxiety from the anticipation of a weekend away at my parents with aunts and cousins for a girls weekend.  Mom and a cousin have been planning this since the summer and apparently it is to celebrate me.  Ugh, there is not much celebrating I feel like doing.  I told Jacob I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I think I do.  My aunt will pick me up later today and we will head that way.  I pray we have lots of fun and little tears, but you never know.  That is what worries me.  I don't want to be a blubbering mess in front of others.  The thought of that really makes me nervous (another reason why I was relieved not to go to Jacob's family Thanksgiving).  

I'm so bad at keeping up with my phone while I am not sitting at a desk all day.  I went to respond to some texts from yesterday and realized I never looked at the videos that Bethany had sent.  My heart exploded when I saw Phillip singing "You are my Sunshine" to Makenna.  It was simply beautiful.  Makenna wouldn't keep her eyes off of him.  It was so special and brought me to tears.  Tears of love and joy.  Tears of sadness thinking about the fact that my parents have now lost two of their babies.  Tears just flowed, for every emotion imaginable.

When I think about those happy tears, this is my why.  This is the entire reason that I offered.  This, hearing Phillip sing to Makenna is what makes every bit of every struggle and difficult time over the last two years more than worth it.  Seeing their beautiful family and the happiness that surrounds them is my why.

I still have a little bit of anxiety about this weekend, but I am ultimately looking forward to it.  As much as I don't know what I need, maybe this is it.