baffled

It seemed like it took forever to Kim to call today.  And, frankly, I am taken aback.  Our pregnancy test was negative.  Bethany and I were both on the phone for the news and I just can’t believe it.  Poor Kim was pretty upset, too, hoping to give us something to be really thankful for tomorrow.  I didn’t know what to say, but I did ask about my level.  All she said was that they consider any beta level under 5 to be a negative.  There is no way!  I feel pregnant.  I am miserable.  The little shooting star was so distinct and we all saw it. 

Before we hung up, Kim mentioned that I should expect to get my period soon and then will continue, if we want, once that happens.  Of course that is what I want, yet I still don’t understand what happened (or didn’t) this time.  I am baffled.  When we hung up with Kim, Bethany called me and she was distraught.  I don’t think it has sunk in for me just yet.  I will never give up, but I just don’t understand this. 

I must stop questioning everything and forget about what I may not have done right.  I wish there were answers, but the only one that matters is that this wasn’t the right time or the right embryo.  I prayed fiercely for this transfer to work, but more importantly, I followed every prayer up with “however, if this little embryo isn’t strong enough to survive the pregnancy or have a healthy, quality life moving forward, it is best that we don’t get any further.  I remind myself that my prayers have been answered.  It is better to get a negative now than it is to get a positive with more devastation ahead. 

I pray or understanding and through my tears continue to be so very grateful for this journey.