devastation sets in

I am not sure how I am feeling this morning.  Well, physically I feel like crap and I am completely devastated.  I cannot begin to imagine how Bethany and Phillip are feeling.  I have to stop questioning things, but that is the most difficult thing.  Maybe the test is wrong?  Maybe they mixed up my bloodwork with someone else’s?  I know this is not the case, but why do I still feel like shit?  Am I having ghost symptoms? 

For the first time in this process, my hope is less than it has ever been, which concerns me.  What can I do better next time?  I know in my heart we will get there and I am going to learn from this devastation eventually, but I am not there yet.  I am so tired.  I feel so gross.  I have gained weight, which adds to my feeling like shit physically and just about myself.  My mind is spiraling a little.

I begged Jacob to help me pack up the family and go to my parents.  I just need a change of scenery.  I am so thankful that Jacob obliged and we are headed that way now. 

I cannot forget how far we’ve come and even though this is another step back, we will take two more steps forward before we know it.  If I type more positive things, maybe my mind will start to believe them.  Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers.  I rarely fail and when I do, I apologize, fix the issue, and come out on the other side having a new perspective and the original successful outcome.  I can’t just apologize and fix things here.  I can work hard to get myself out of this funk and remember the hope that is deep inside my heart.  I am going to keep trying to do that. 

Thanks for reading my woe is me post.  I try to be positive, but this is real, y’all.  This is exhausting and I understand why so many people give up.  While I get that others can’t move forward any longer, I am not ready to stop.