I'd be remiss if I didn't recognize that I am not well emotionally right now. As I drove to my parents' house yesterday for my nephew's birthday celebration, I lost it a little. There is so much going on and I need to face the fact that pregnancy is very difficult for me - it takes the biggest toll on my emotional well being. This is not at all anything new, but something I thought I wouldn't experience this time around. I have been feeling well for the most part, I think. But have I really? Or, have I been suppressing the tough parts, always wanting to throw excuses out - a new job, a move, a pandemic, all of the above? More likely than not, I think I have been in a little denial.
Now is the time to face the music. I need to be the tough that gets going, stepping up to handle what is going on inside and make the right moves to address that. I hate being in this situation. I hate it so much, but I can't ignore it anymore.
I don't want to be around friends or family. If I am in their company, I don't want to talk. I feel like such an awful person - withdrawn from everything and everyone. It is not fair to them. It is not fair to Jacob. It is not fair to my children. Even the smallest engagements are absolutely exhausting and I dread them. I talked to my mom about it a little bit yesterday and promised her that I would talk to Dr. C about everything during my appointment this coming week. That should be so much fun. I must keep in mind that when I do deliver, I typically feel immediately better. We all know this situation is so very different from the deliveries of my own children so who knows what to expect, but I will remain hopeful that in 8 weeks I will get a boost in my mental capacity.
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