trying times

All I wanted was to rest this weekend.  So much for that.  Physically, the weekend hasn't been that taxing, but emotionally, it has been awful.  Jacob and I are both so tired and cranky that all conversations lead to arguments and it is really difficult.  I have no energy so I shut down, which is not like me, so I think that makes the situation even worse.  Honestly, though, the little arguments we have are so unnecessary and don't matter one bit yet we both just add fuel to the fire.  

I was honored to attend a memorial/celebration in honor of Ms. Clare this afternoon and her daughter took me aside and asked what was wrong.  She gets it.  She notices that I am not myself and withdrawing.  Why wouldn't Jacob also understand?  Why is he upset that I don't mention to him that I am struggling?  I probably would be more open if he weren't so judgmental about others struggling with emotions.  To me, it feels like Jacob never understands the "why" of the gloomy days and more importantly, doesn't get that a "why" doesn't always exist.  I think that is the toughest part for me.  Much of what I am feeling, I can try to explain, what I cannot articulate is a deeper dive into why I feel that way.  It is worse than going to therapy in my opinion, especially when he is no professional.

So, I got home, we argued some more.  I couldn't eat my supper and just went to bed feeling utterly defeated and a ball of emotions.  I know that this is a phase that will too pass, but I think I may need help getting there - or we may need help getting beyond it all together.  Marriage is tough.  It is a daily challenge, but I do know that neither of us will throw in the towel without working our asses off to do our due diligence and make it through.

I keep praying that once this baby is born, much of the tension will be relieved and we can resume normalcy.  Jacob has been the biggest supporter since day one and I will never forget that.  We are not perfect and will never be.  My hope is that these trying times will make us stronger in the long run.