I am okay. I repeat - I am okay. I am just doing my damnedest to be open and honest with everyone right now. When I say I am down and depressed, it is okay. This is not unchartered territory for me, but what hasn't been explored previously is being so vulnerable in the process. Typically, I keep this to myself and roll with the punches, knowing there are better times ahead and I have choices I need to make in the interim to feel the best I can in the moment while trying to heed off the demons sooner rather than later.
It seems as though that my acknowledgement of my issues at this time has sent an SOS to the world. I am not upset by that - the support has been more than I ever imagined. What I worry about, though, is people wanting to do too much or possibly even treating me differently because I may be "fragile." I get it. I have been on the other side and felt like I needed to talk to or approach people differently when they have been in similar depressive states. That is not what is needed. At least not for me. What I need is for people to move forward as they would have without even knowing I was in a deep struggle. I am doing my best to do the same while working on it one day at a time.
Because of what I am going through, please know that I in no way want to harm myself or others. It is more about having no energy or desire to find some, being withdrawn from all aspects of life wanting no social interaction, and just being very gloomy most of the time.
My mom, who I fear takes responsibility for some of the chemical imbalance and issues my family experiences in mental health, has been my rock and my confidant since day one. She is beyond worried about me, though, since I finally came to the realization that I need help - which I have never done in the past. She got here late last night to go to my appointment with me today. It was nice to have her there - she and my dad had both attended appointments with Dr. C when I was expecting my own children. I didn't mind at all and it was good to have her there to listen and take mental notes as well as there to say things I may not have the courage to do so.
Thankfully, Mom didn't have to speak up and be my advocate. Dr. C and Bethany both understand where I am and that we will work together even though the end is so near. Dr. C was not willing to make any changes until I have my appointment next week with a Nurse Practitioner within VCU Women's Health. She used to be a psychiatric NP, so coupling that with her women's health experience, she is the right person to guide me through the next several weeks. Dr. C did suggest counseling, much to my dismay, but if that is what it takes, I am all in. Ugh, I hate being so vulnerable. That is the point, though, right? Not easy, but important. Who wants to dig into their insecurities and issues and lay them flat on the table for examination? Not me! However, I understand it can't hurt.
It stinks being here - there's no way to alleviate that. However, it is obvious that I have grown personally since my last pregnancy and am willing to fight a little harder for my own well being. I am okay. It is okay. Everything is not ideal, but the future is so damned bright that I get teary. This is just another bump along the road that will help me grow into who I am supposed to be. I am not upset as I know I can take what is thrown my way. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will be on the other side of the gloomy days and celebrating everything else I am seemingly overlooking at this time.
From the baby's perspective, everything went great with today's appointment. Dr. C found her heartbeat almost immediately, in the 130s. Bethany was just on the phone, but I could hear her smile in her voice. Dr. C did mention that my belly was measuring a little big. Oh, I know, I feel it! I have never been told that before, which was strange. As she felt around, she said that she didn't think that the baby was too big but that having an ultrasound at the next appointment is important (we already have that scheduled). Dr. C also sent in a topical prescription to try to combat the yeast under my boobs - gross I know, but this is what happens when you're overweight, pregnant, and have a life to live that may involve 90+ degree weather. All in all, mom and I left very happy with the appointment and ready to tackle the next steps as necessary.
Thank you to all that have stepped up and been a part of my "national guard" at this time. Everything will be okay.
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