With some poking and prodding, I reached out to Dr. C today to explain to her what is going on. I'd be a fool not to recognize that I can use help. Even though we are so close, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be. Here's what I wrote this morning - the real and the raw...
Good Morning, Dr. C,
I am writing because I don’t want to miss anything when I come in to see you Thursday. You know I struggle with antepartum depression and I thought I was doing really well this time around. I think I was at first and the last few months I have been suppressing my emotions because so much has been going on but I can’t remain in denial any longer. There are a multitude of things going on that I have used as excuses such as:
Moving – we moved in the middle of July, which ended up being really stressful. Finally, and thankfully, we closed on our other house early August. Even though we were unpacked and settled quickly, I have yet to feel a sense of home.
- New Job – in early
August, I started a new role, still with Anthem. With any new
position, there are growing pains and I get that. However, learning
a new subject matter on top of new people has proved to be pretty
challenging. It will come in time.
- COVID – need I say
more? I think I have been using this as the biggest excuse for
everything – I feel like COVID has broken me – I am awkward in social
situations and get exhausted really quickly. I keep saying that
COVID has turned me into an introvert but in reality, I think it is just
the depression. Plus, last week we were informed that only one person
can be in the delivery room when the time comes. As much as I know
it truly doesn’t matter because at the end of the day Bethany and Phillip
will be parents, it is a little devastating for me (and them).
Everything seems to be spiraling right now and when I try to look beyond the symptoms, the underlying issue (I believe) is truly depression. I had a little breakdown last Friday and it helped me to realize that this is my normal, I just need to address it and overcome as much as possible. Additionally, I am so thankful that I only have 8 more weeks remaining, which is nothing compared to the disaster I was for much longer with my own two children. Jacob doesn’t get it – never has, never will – and it again is taking a toll on the marriage, along with all of the other things mentioned above. We will remain strong, though, and work hard to keep everything in perspective. I have been talking to my mom a lot about all of this and she thought the best thing was to reach out to you and see if there is a plan of action we can work towards. Bethany and Phillip are aware and since Bethany is a licensed counselor she knows that my emotional well being is very important and is here to support me in whatever I may need. I am withdrawn a vast majority of the time and don’t have the energy to respond, argue, or even acknowledge things at times.
I know in my heart that this journey is my most poignant purpose in life to date. I am in no way frustrated I am here, just hoping that maybe there is something we can do in the interim that I was way too stubborn to face in the other two pregnancies. Should I consider going up on my 100mg Zoloft? I am trying hard to eat healthy and still exercise, but life gets in the way of that, too. As much as I hate therapy, I am open to anything at this point. It is not fair to anyone around me that has to inadvertently deal with my own struggle. Any ideas you may have I am willing to consider, I promise.
You don’t need to write back – we can discuss Thursday. I just wanted to
get this on paper as I often forget important questions/concerns when I am in
the moment at the appointment. Thank you for being with me throughout all
of this!
Julia Meade
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