an annual reflection

My psyche gets weird often, for reasons I don't always understand.  If I dig a little deeper, I can sometimes pinpoint what is going on unconsciously.  Today, I woke up feeling pretty grim.  As I sat at my parents house with the kids quiet in the other room, I was doing a puzzle and thought long and hard about why I was so down.  Today, it makes sense that I am experiencing some dismay.  Last year, on this day, I was taking the final steps to miscarry that sweet embryo we transferred in July 2020.

It was a tough day, but frankly this day was easier than the couple of weeks leading up to it - knowing that the pregnancy was no longer viable.  Both physically and emotionally this was extremely difficult and even more so awful on Bethany and Phillip emotionally.  While the procedure that took place a year ago hurt like hell for maybe 10 seconds, the care I received was amazing.  I think back to that day and the comfort the doctor and her resident provided must be run of the mill for them, but for me it made a world of difference.  Their jobs are so delicate and tough due to the situations, but it is nice to know that their bedside manner was exactly as it should have been in that difficult time.  

When I look back on it all, this miscarriage was actually easier for me to handle emotionally than the failed transfer in November.  I have no idea why, but the negative beta right before Thanksgiving threw me for a loop.  And, here we are today - 31 weeks pregnant with a sweet heartbeat and baby to come in a mere eight weeks.  There is so much to be thankful and so much excitement ahead, yet the blues of everything may always remain.