I never know when I am going to get caught off guard. Gregory came home with a sheet today stating that the cafeteria is going to start allowing them to get ice cream one Friday a month, or something like that. In order for him to receive it, I have to put $3.75 on his online cafeteria account to get him ice cream for the rest of the year. Sure, the kid can have ice cream five times through June. No big deal.
I had never put money on the cafeteria account because we have been more than lucky for the children to receive free lunches since the start of COVID. Thus, I went online to create the account and add the money - he deserves a treat here and there. Little did I know that I would be a mess in a matter of minutes. In creating the stupid account, I had to answer several "security questions." Yeah, we all do it all of the time.
I answered one question, no problem. The next came up: In what city does your nearest sibling live? Well, fuck, I don't have anymore siblings living close. I was angry that I had to answer this. On the other hand, everyone else probably adds an answer and it is not an issue. The tears streamed down my face and it killed me to write my answer: heaven.
I try hard not to pity myself but I fell quickly into a pity party. Why me? Why are both my brother and sister dead? It's not fair that my parents only have one surviving child left out of three. There has to be something that can come out of this despair that will help others along the road. What is my purpose now in life? I can't let these emotions and heartache control everything I do. I can try to figure out how to take this grief and turn it into healing and potentially helping others. How? I don't know, but I am willing to dig deep and find ways to make it work.
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