My nerves were on high even before I left. The last time that Maria and I were out and about together was for my birthday. Then, when she dropped me off is when my life forever changed. I know it is silly to think that something so devastating could happen again, but that is where my mind went. I opted not to have her pick me up so that I could ride in silence for a little bit both ways. Sometimes that time alone helps me substantially.
Maria really is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. She is a damned good psychotherapist - so good, that this also makes me nervous. I often feel that I am being analyzed, but have gotten pretty used to it. Every bit of Maria's analysis comes from the heart and I know she wants to help me so badly, but it throws me into disaster mode.
I got home and was really cranky. It took me a little bit to realize it, but I think it stems from diving deeper with Maria into my emotions and what my new purpose should be in life. I guess I don't really feel like going there right now. Needless to say, Jacob and the kids got the brunt of that. Thankfully, I had invited my little (or not so little) cousins over to have supper and play cards. That was a good distraction for me and we had the best time together. Even Jacob played cards, which was really nice. Meade (boy Meade) and Charlie have always been like my siblings and it was so nice that they were willing to hang out with their old, uncool cousin. Maybe they came out of pity? Who knows, I will take it regardless!
As they left this evening, my heart was so full. I have got to try to make a point to socialize more often because it does help to mend the heart a little bit each time.
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