Before we left the house, I made out a note for mom to leave on the counter trying to explain that I would be absolutely fine if she chose not to go. It wouldn't hurt my feelings and I would be fine, I promised her. Out in the boat, I was an anxious mess. I had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't focus. I didn't want to fish, but I didn't want to ride, I didn't want to do anything but come home. If you know me in the least, this is SO not me. On one ride from a fishing spot to another, I put my chair out in the sun, laid back with my feet propped up, closed my eyes, and talked to God. I know we talked for at least 20 minutes. It was the only thing that was soothing me.
It is funny that the anxiety had absolutely nothing to do with the procedure but everything to do with what's next. How will it be. All of the "what ifs." Those damned "what ifs" again - they keep me in a spot that really paralyzes me. I have got to stop thinking that way. One of the main ones was that even though I have had no issues carrying two, healthy pregnancies, what if my body tries to reject the different DNA? I prayed and prayed and it was affirmed that God would be by my side every step of the way.
As the boat stopped to fish at the next place in the bay, I opened my eyes. Kristi was quick to say "you're stressed." Me, not me? How do you know?, I asked. You're quiet, she said, too quiet. Well, there you have it folks, while I tried to keep it all in and hide my insecurities and crazy thoughts, they weren't unnoticed. My anxiety was pretty bad and actually getting worse as the moments went on. At the current fishing spot, after doing much of nothing, I asked Daddy if we could head in and just finish fishing the busted peelers out at number 8 and then go in. We really needed to head home in an hour in a half anyway.
As we departed to head back into Ingram Bay, my anxiety was through the roof. I asked both Kristi and Daddy if they would be disappointed if we just went back without fishing anymore. Both of them had no issue whatsoever. I asked Dad to slow down so I could dump the potty and clean that out before Kristi and I cleaned the deck on the remainder of the ride in. Anything to keep me busy was helping to keep the anxiety at bay.
Before we got in the car to drive back, I wanted to shower, figuring that at least if I was clean I may feel better. As I gave my Dad a hug and a kiss, I asked him to pray for all of us. I was so sick of hearing good luck, but I don't think that people really know what to say and frankly, I don't know what they should say either. Asking him to pray had me choked up. As we walked outside, I gave Mom a hug and kiss and lost it. Even though I would be seeing her later, my anxiety was through the roof and I just needed a moment to cry. Thankfully, they let me. I asked them to continue to pray and I got my shit together and got in the car. The ride home was quiet and peaceful. Kristi is such a wonderful friend. She talks when you want to talk but lets you have time to yourself if needed.
Tonight I am tired, but good. Anxiety is here, but it is not overwhelming. I am hoping for a good night's sleep and ready to get this party started!
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