Remember that roller coaster we have been riding? Well, today it got pretty darned low. It is only fair to share the worst in this journey along with the best. As you read, keep three things in mind:
- So much is still yet to be determined. As it has been and will continue to be regardless, this is a waiting game.
- There needs to be no pity or apologizing. We will all get through this huge hurdle or awful loss in our own ways, but most importantly, together.
- Continue to pray. If there is one individual that can provide us a miracle, we all know who He is and the power of prayer cannot be lost at this time.
A little after 11, I was called into the exam room. Shortly after, Dr. Shah and his ultrasound tech came in. Bethany and Phillip were on FaceTime and all was ready to go. We were so happy and positive, ready to hear this baby's heartbeat, until there was none.
I kept thinking she wasn't holding the wand right. Dr. Shah was pointing to the screen but I didn't understand that he was really pointing out concern. The screen did show a gestational sac, with a yolk sac, right in the middle of my uterus (where it should be). That yolk sac, which holds the embryo that should be turning fetus, was not measuring as our timeline suggests it should - 6 weeks and 6 days (I think he was trying to be nice), it is really is 7 weeks and 0 days. In that sac, there was no movement, nothing to indicate that the pregnancy was healthy or viable. Keep in mind, SGF tries to schedule first ultrasounds at 6.5+ weeks because the gestational age less than that may not show the heartbeat and causes unnecessary stress.
Dr. Shah was being very delicate. I think we could tell he was concerned, but he didn't seem to be outright and candid. Instead, it seemed that he would indicate items in our chart and let Dr. Nair make the calls and tell us what she saw and what she determines the next steps will be. Dr. Shah did say that Dr. Nair will likely be very concerned or decide that there needs to be some more time for growth and another ultrasound. When I asked if there could be a third option of very little concern, he basically said it was really not something he thought was going to be in the mix. Dr. Shah said that if we were his patient, he would suggest we stay on all meds and come back in a week to do another ultrasound in hopes of finding that heartbeat that we all want to badly.
I asked if we could get another beta test (bloodwork) to see if that came back positive. Dr. Shah suggested the only real thing to indicate viability at this point is an ultrasound in which a heartbeat could be seen.
I don't think I understood everything. Dr. Shah and his technician left the room and I was left on FaceTime with Bethany and Phillip. I think Bethany's realism hit me like a slap in the face. This was not good and we really should prepare for the worst. I totally understand that and more than appreciate it, but Dr. Shah did say there was potentially a 50/50 chance that this pregnancy and baby would be viable. I couldn't control my emotions; my tears flowed as I laid still on that table, with my feet still in the stirrups. I didn't know what to say or do other than tell them I was sorry. Bethany and Phillip were quick to say that this is nothing that I could have done and that everything will be okay and we would conquer this together. I agree. No matter what, we will continue to walk side by side on this journey.
On the way home I couldn't concentrate on anything. I wanted to so badly to speak to our nurse, to gain some realistic perspective. I couldn't even listen to the radio. As soon as I got home, I posted on that FB group about no HB at 6w6d to see if anyone else had experienced the same. The feedback I have received thus far was actually really positive. I also googled the situation. Out on the web, many people in the same situation did have positive experiences that ended with healthy babies. I was feeling a lot better. I also shot an email off to Kim asking her to call me when she got a moment, in case she hadn't yet checked her voicemail.
For some reason, my phone didn't ring. I listened to the voicemail from Kim. Frankly, it was really grim. She mentioned that things did not look good and while Dr. Nair will determine next steps, she was quick to tell me the three options for dealing with a miscarriage. No sense in explaining them here yet because I refuse to believe we are at that point just yet.
One thing that someone on FB suggested I ask was how the yolk sac measured. I sent a follow up email to Kim to ask that question and she did call me back. We spoke for almost half an hour. She re-iterated that things look very concerning and we would deal with them as directed by Dr. Nair. First, she said the yolk sac was measuring right at 6 weeks. This means that it could have stopped growing and the baby has been lost. Or, the baby could be growing slow. A slower grower could be the reason that a heartbeat is not yet showing! While the second outcome is very less likely, it has happened before. Kim mentioned that one of her patients was in a very similar situation a few years go and before any decisions were made, the MD opted to wait a little bit before throwing in the towel. At a follow up ultrasound, a heartbeat was found and the pregnancy went well. Kim even sees that child at the grocery store with their parents every so often. To me, this gives me so much hope.
The realistic part of me understands we may have to go through the motions and try everything again in a few months, but there is some fire inside of me that still thinks that this is in God's hands and everything is going to work out just as he has planned. Of course, that may be after another transfer, but something keeps telling me to:
continue to focus on strength to maintain hope and faith verses strength to brace for heartache
Then, Dr. Nair called. It took my breath away that she struggled to find words and ultimately expressed her sympathy as she began to speak. She went over what was seen, what could happen, and what our options are. I wanted numbers - I am a number person. I asked if there was a like a 1 percent chance, 5 percent chance that we could still have a viable pregnancy. She said there is no way to give a true number, but she thinks it is more like 15%. FIFTEEN? That is amazing! When I then asked what she would do in our situation, she said while it is tough, she would stay on the medicine regimen and wait a week to be ultra-conservative to know what is going on before ending anything. As long as Phillip and Bethany agree, this will be my plan. My faith is strong in that as we wait for an additional ultrasound, that yolk sac will show a fetus with a bright spot inside of it (the heart) that is flickering.
I know I have texted a few of you canvassing for prayers but not sharing the totality of the situation. Thank you all for understanding that I am not in a position to talk to everyone just yet and know I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever understand. After I filled my boss in briefly because I literally got no work done this afternoon, she told me that I cannot control this and I cannot let it control me. Good advice. I have added a note of this baby's viability to my "give a shit later" box. It doesn't mean I don't care nor that I don't want it more than anything, but it means that I cannot let this drive every thought moving forward and that God is giving all of the shits right now - it is in his hands, no matter what happens.
If I am brutally honest, I feel defeated. I feel as though I have let Bethany and Phillip down. I know in my heart this has not been and still is not in my control, but it is hard not to take some responsibility here. No matter what, even if this little one becomes an angel, we will try again and Bethany and Phillip will be parents down the road.
In my heart, we are still part of the 15% until told otherwise!
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