angel confirmed

Maria, Phillip’s mom, picked me up for the appointment today.  She was quick to tell me how beautiful I was.  I don’t need compliments, but it made me feel better.  I always try to dress up for the appointments as I don’t get dressed and put on make up on for much else these days.  We talked a little about everything on the way there.  Cheryl, Bethany’s mom, was meeting us there so once the appointment was over we could all be together.  I think in my heart I knew what we were going to face, but I refused to give up the ultimate hope in my mind.

The office had so many less people there than normal.  It felt strange.  I had only been there in the mornings when they have several staff constantly calling patients back.  I tried hard to focus on my book, but it was difficult.  I was called back into the room to get undressed and wait for the doctor – a new doctor I had not yet seen.  He was absolutely lovely.  I called Phillip and we were on FaceTime as the appointment began.  Instead of getting to the point, Dr. Edelstien went to each of my ovaries to measure them.  I asked if they were the right size for a pregnancy.  He said yes.  Then, he went to the uterus.  Seeing poor Phillip’s face on the phone was heartbreaking.  Bethany stopped by for a second and the worry showing was almost unbearable.  Of course, the news we did not want to see or hear.  The baby was still measuring at 6 weeks with no heartbeat.  Phillip and I had a moment, the doctor left.  

Philip and I talked a little bit more.  Both sorry for the other.  There are no words for either of us to say to each other, the emotions take over.  It simply stinks.  I say sorry again, he reiterates that this is not my fault, and we hang up.

I took a moment for myself to get my shit together.  I am so sad.  I feel as though my faith has failed me, however, I know this is not the case and I have to remember that I still hold faith; this embryo was just not the healthiest to make it into this world. 

I put my underpants and my mask back on and left the room.  One thing that was beyond reassuring was that Dr. Edelstien was waiting outside my room to again offer his sincere condolences.  It was obvious that was what he was doing as once I thanked him and walked away he knocked on the next patient’s door to resume his day.

I did not know how I would approach Cheryl and Maria.  I wanted so bad to come out with a smile on my face, it just didn’t happen.  I still had the mask on as I walked out to the car where they sat in the back of Maria’s vehicle.  Halfway through the parking lot, I took my mask off and shook my head, unable to control my emotions.  We all had hugs and tears.  It was so very difficult.  We chatted a little bit and went on our way.  No matter what, we will not lose faith and will continue to do what is needed to get a baby.

Maria and I talked about several things on the way home.  At first, I was frustrated that I was riding with Maria.  I felt like I just needed some time alone to process everything and figure out my feelings and where we go from here.  However, God knew I needed the help to process this with someone else before having some time to myself.  I am so thankful to have spent that time with Maria and as she dropped me off, we hugged and knew this was not the end.  We would try again soon enough.

At work, I let my boss and counterpart know the sad news.  I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to be uplifted in prayer and for everyone else to keep the faith that I will never lose – we will get where we need to be, this time just is not the beginning of that.  One of the most amazing things about all of this is that my work family is just as supportive as our blood families.  I cannot ask for much more than that.