It was a difficult Sunday. This was the first weekend I have not been to my parents' house in quite some time. Of course, I had more important plans Saturday and it didn't make sense to go for such a short period of time. Jacob has been more than helpful with the kids. I will say he could do more chores, but as it relates to Meade and Gregory, he is really doing his darnedest to make sure they aren't bugging me or that they give me some time alone.
I got up early with the kids yesterday. Jacob did not get up until 9, so it wasn't until then that I went to the grocery store and did a few other things. That said, I did rest and work on a puzzle until then! That is always a win! I tried to watch some TV but really couldn't keep my eyes open. I was plain exhausted but didn't realize that my mind was still racing. I asked Jacob if I could go upstairs and nap. He decided to take the kids to go play tennis and once they were gone, I felt like I had to get up and do the million things that are so much easier to do when I am home alone. Household stuff. Also, I wanted to make sure that their lunches were ready when they got home. I think I tried to rest, it just didn't happen.
Fast forward to last night, I got in bed around 7. I called my dear cousin Mary Pat and we chatted for a little bit. Once off the phone, I decided to read a little bit - that would surely put me to sleep! I haven't been reading as much lately because the book I have on my nightstand is not something that I am totally into. I decided to give it another try. More Myself - A Journey by Alicia Keys. I mean, who is not drawn to this lady's talent!?!? The book was a topic on a Brene Brown podcast I listened to a while ago so I of course had to buy it. Beyond Alicia's abilities, I really enjoy her spirit.
I finally put the book down. I was exhausted. A few minutes later I felt ill. Maybe I was about to miscarry? I grabbed some Tylenol and asked Jacob if he also felt crummy. Maybe it was something we ate? Feeling yucky was one thing but the feelings are amplified when all I want to do is sleep yet it evades me.
Before I finally put the book back down and turned the light out, I read these two different passages on different subjects. Both of them just spoke to me:
When you have chosen the right path for yourself, you usually know it immediately. The choice just sits right in your spirit. You're not second-guessing your decision or thinking about turning back. You realize there are challenges ahead, but you're not looking over your shoulder, wishing you'd gone left instead of right at the last fork in the road.
This is where I am. This is where I have been for a year now (note that Saturday was the year anniversary of my initial offer - August 22)! I know this journey is right. Soon we will find out which path we have to take, but either way, it is still right.
A few pages later, this paragraph resonated with me. Alicia was telling readers part of her story but also speaking to my journey exactly where we are right now:
Nothing but uncertainty is certain. Circumstances come together, only to fall apart moments or months later. And then, in a flash, we must rise up and regain our footing. In the rear view mirror, I now see so clearly what escaped me then: It's not that the ground underneath me was suddenly shifting it's that it is never still. That's part of the work of my journey - getting comfortable with life's groundlessness.
Folks - there you have it. This is where I am. This is where I will be until we have a healthy baby. All of this is okay. We've got God on our side whether we have to go to the right or the left.
Needless to say, I slept horribly last night. Everytime I would fall asleep, I would be back up within 30-45 minutes drenched in sweat. This has been par for the course ever since I started injections, so nothing new, just makes it difficult to get good, uninterrupted sleep. I will say that instead of keeping my normal routine, I came downstairs at 4am, texted my walking buddy to let her know I could not go out there without trying to get more sleep and I would be back on track tomorrow. I prayed that I would not beat myself up over the change and let the day go with the flow as rest is most important. Thankfully, while I am still tired, I am okay with everything, right now, as it is.
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