every little thing

I have been on the road today - for five hours - by myself.  I didn't want to leave.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I didn't want to get dressed.  However, for my best friend from college, I had to.  I needed to.  Deep down I wanted to.  My struggle was internal, to just pick myself up by my bootstraps and go.  

On the way, I first focused on prayer.  Even though Meade and I went on a walk this morning, it was not my normal "me" time in which I talked to God.  First thing is first and that was a long conversation with the big man upstairs.  Showing gratitude for all he has already provided and most importantly the peace that will come out of the next part of this journey - no matter what it may be.  I don't pray for myself, other than for strength and peace to get through.  I do pray for this sweet baby that is on board.  More importantly, I pray for Phillip and Bethany, their families and friends.  

As I listened to the radio, this song played a couple of times and the title has stayed with me since, for a multitude of reasons.  I had to look up the artist, but this is what Carly Pearce sings:

Every little thing

I remember every little thing

The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting

Of every little thing

As my mind continued to wander, it was overly positive.  Thinking about the happy tears I hope to experience Wednesday, the next steps, the healthy pregnancy, and ultimately the baby that will come.  Of course, if that means ending this transfer where it is and starting anew in a couple of months, that is what we will do - the end goal remains the same.  As I thought back to that song, praying that this baby has the strength to endure and fight to stay safe and comfortable inside my body, I thought about another song with the same lyrics - The Police:

Every little things she does is magic

I don't know if it is a he or a she, but I will take a healthy little heartbeat no matter the sex.  Regardless of the gender, there may be an angel magician up there playing with the marionette strings.  Who knows.  Magic, miracle, snafu last week, it doesn't matter - as long as we get that strong HB this week!

So then, I go back to high school and this R&B song that keeps playing in my mind.  Anyone else remember Soul For Real?  I had to look it up to be honest.

Every little thing I do you're on my mind

The way I feel lately, it's driving me crazy

I can't get over you

I think about you all the time

Any The Black Keys listeners out there?  How about their 2019 song:

Hold on

Count your blessings

It moves on and it ain't always smooth

Every little thing that you do

It is always gonna come back to you

I know, I am crazy.  But the more my mind wandered, it isn't as much every little thing, but the one most important thing on my mind these days.  I felt like crap on the road.  I took a couple Tylenol to heed off a headache.  When I made it to my destination, I didn't feel well at all.  I had been cramping for over an hour and just wanted to use the bathroom.  Every little thing in my body keeps me on edge.  Do I feel leaking?  What color is it?  Do I feel nauseous?  No, amazing!  But, wait, that is supposed to be a tell tale sign of pregnancy for me.  Do my boobs hurt?  I don't know!  I push on them to see if they are still tender.  Due to the cramps, I was petty worried, but at peace with whatever happened.  In the bathroom, there was no indication of bleeding and frankly, I think I was experiencing gas pains - I'll take it!  I imagine that even if we get wonderful news Wednesday, I will continue to live on this edge until next March/April.  That is okay.  It is only normal.

I had the best time this afternoon.  It was nice to be flying solo so not to have to worry about chasing my children.  It was also really great to be able to sit and relax and do as I please as it was a small crowd.  Celebrating my best friend from college, Chelsea, and her new husband was just amazing.  Her family is like a second family to me so it was lovely to spend time with them as well.  I just needed a little kick in the ass to get dressed and get on the road.  I felt good about the way I looked - received tons of compliments on my weight loss, which was nice, too.  Also great was that not many knew of what was going on in my life, with this journey.  I didn't feel like I had to talk about it.  When I first hugged Chelsea's father, he was so excited and asked about what I had cooking.  I told him that while a baby is still in there, we are currently unsure of the viability.  No tears, just matter of fact.  I am glad that I could make it through that, keeping that peace that has been instilled in my heart to be outward as well.

I made it home after 8pm with a full heart and a tired body.  Everything was just lovely today and more importantly, as we go back to every little thing, I am reminded of one of Three Little Birds by Bob Marley:

Rise up this mornin'

Smiled with the risin' sun

Three little birds

Pitch by my dorstep

Singin' sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true

Sayin', this is my message to you

Singin' don't worry 'bout a thing

'Cause every little thing gonna be alright