I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I am not going to let yesterday get me down, but instead continue to hold onto the hope that everything is just fine. The baby is just measuring a little smaller than we would have initially thought and when there is time to worry, I will face it then.
As most of you know, yesterday was a clusterfuck. Among the craziness, though, I could feel the extra prayers all day long. Even though I was not ready to talk to anyone throughout the day, I was able to process things on my own, discussing things with Kim, Dr. Nair, and Bethany. I defined my own strategy of how to tackle the next few days leading to the ultrasound that will provide concrete evidence of where we will go at this fork in the road.
In that strategy, the most important thing for me was to find peace. While difficult, I am at peace with all that went on yesterday. I know in my heart that what we find out next week is what is best for everyone, even if it doesn't seem to make the most sense. Of course, my hope and faith relies in the indication of a strong heartbeat next week. That heartbeat will turn into a thriving baby with a wonderful quality of life. However, I am at peace if we must realize that this baby is not strong enough to last through the next 30ish weeks or is not able to have the quality of life it deserves after birth. Ultimately, that would not be fair to this sweet child.
All of my faith is still in God and He knows what is best and is writing this story. I trust Him that no matter which road we travel on, He will guide us, hold us, and keep us on track to the next part of this journey - whether that is completing this pregnancy or trying again when healthy enough to do so. No matter what, I intend to face this next week and the ultrasound that will show us which course must be taken with grace and composure.
I am comforted by the fact that when Bethany and I spoke last night, we are on the same page. I think she is already starting to grieve and I cannot tell her to do otherwise. Phillip seems to be on the other side of the spectrum and will choose to worry when there is a solid reason to worry. I think I am more in the middle, wishing I could wrap my arms around Bethany to relieve some of her grief but also steal some of Phillip's composure during the crazy time. The beautiful thing about all of this is that there is no right or wrong. We all process feelings differently and that is okay. We just have to remember to continue to rely on each other, allow different perspectives, opinions, actions as we process it all, and ultimately be strong for one another.
I am beyond grateful for those that have surrounded us during this difficult time. I am thankful that they have allowed me time to myself before I could talk to them coherently with a plan. I am glad that they offered prayers, love, and understanding until I could connect via phone. I think we all knew this wouldn't be easy. However, I didn't think it would be this hard. To be honest, I went in yesterday overly confident and the wrench that was thrown really threw me for a loop. For now, I will leave you with what God told me during my morning walk with him: "You want to write a book about this, right? What's a good story without some suspense that leaves the reader unable to stop turning the pages." I'm sure if anyone saw me out there at 430am laughing out loud with tears in my eyes, they will put me in the crazy category - likely right where I belong.
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