I tried to start the day like any other - taking the kids to school and working. To ensure the kids would be taken care of, I reached out to both of their teachers (and Gregory's teacher from last year) to let them know what was going on and to call me should anything go awry. I logged on the computer and started cancelling my meetings for the week. I was going to try to work a little bit and log on for important meetings, but I couldn't get through the morning call so knew I needed to just bite the bullet and take a day of PTO plus the three days of bereavement to get me through to my leave of absence, already scheduled for Friday.
As much as I had hoped to deliver before Friday, now I was talking to this little girl to stay with me until then.
What is the worst is not being able to be with my parents at this time. I feel stupid saying this, but all I want and what I desperately need right now is to be with my Mom and Dad. I texted them this morning stating as much and said I couldn't do another day by myself, begging them to come tomorrow. Mom said she would make it happen.
I went through all the motions and met Mom and Dad at the funeral home to start working on arrangements. Bless Benjamin - one of the sons of the funeral home family. He was the one that picked up the body and was leading us through the funeral process. I know it was hard on him as he was a great friend of Ricky's. They had been friends since childhood. Ricky was in his wedding many moons ago. In fact, he is the friend that sat Rick down a couple of years ago to give the devastating blow that Ricky's wife was having an extramarital affair, with his dear friend nonetheless.
Benjamin was all business. He couldn't have been anymore professional, as is the rest of the family and the others that also work at the funeral home. Ricky will tell you that they used to play hide and seek in the funeral home and he was easily spooked. The Vincents are like a second family to us.
I asked to have the services as soon as possible. Thursday was suggested, but I asked for Wednesday instead due to potentially going into labor. They obliged with no problem at all. Mom had asked for nothing somber but to have a service that was funny and true to Rick's style. I was bound and determined to make that happen. Instead of a preacher, Benjamin asked another friend of theirs from high school to play music and lead the service, to which he was happy to do. I decided I would give a eulogy of sorts, inappropriate and all, to prime others to get up and speak. After all, if they were going to be funny stories, they would likely have colorful language and memorialize activities that are less than stellar.
I was able to go into the parlor where Ricky was laid out with a beautiful quilt atop of him. He looked so damned peaceful. I am beyond thankful that I got to see him like that, before cremation. My heart needed that memory. I held it together pretty well while we were there, even as my nephew went in to see him one final time.
I made it home not knowing what to do or where to go next. My house was a wreck and I immediately asked my friend Kristi if she could come and help me clean. I knew people would be visiting and it would simply help me feel better to have a clean home to welcome others in. She had no problem doing so and even sent her daughter to start the vacuuming before she could get here from her work day. They were both amazing.
Our friend, Melissa - which I spent a few minutes with last night - was already scheduled to bring supper to us. She came over and we sat and chatted, again a really nice time to be with someone from home that knew Ricky.
Jacob helped me bring several large boxes up from the basement (that had not been emptied from the move) of pictures and albums. I went through each of those grabbing pictures of Ricky that we could use for the slideshow on the TV in the funeral home as we greeted guests before the memorial. This shit is so time consuming. I reached out to a friend, one of the kids' old preschool teachers, and asked if she'd come help me take pictures of those pictures so that I could easily upload them.
Everyone says to reach out for anything. I was doing my best to lean on others in hopes that I could take some of the stress away from me. It seemed to be working stress-wise, but never took any of the pain away. Although, it was brief diversions from the pain here and there, which helped.
I thought about the service and what we needed but couldn't muster the strength to figure it out much. I sat at the puzzle table trying to clear my mind much of the evening. Supper from our friends was delicious. They even offered to bring the kids back from the visitation at the funeral home if we didn't want them staying for the service. That offered me a great deal of peace - what a perfect idea.
I got in bed later than normal and was able to fall asleep, yet that only lasted for a few hours. I have been back up now for a couple of hours and am waiting for the sun to rise and get the day going in a couple more. Ugh, grief is miserable. I am so sorry my children have to go through this. My parents have to experience it again. All of his friends are reeling. I do know that time will help, but fuck, what do I do with myself right now? All I can strive to do is to be as healthy as possible for this little baby I am growing. She is my priority, which helps me to take care of myself during this devastation.
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