Bear with me, this one will be long and difficult to relive...
While I was exhausted from the night before of awful diarrhea, I got up, got dressed, put on make up and was ready to have Maria take me down to Chesterfield so that I could see Cheryl and Steve's house and walk over to the Boathouse for brunch. I can handle anything for a few hours, right? I had actually agreed to going to brunch, hoping that I'd be in the hospital. I knew I'd be tired, but not this tired. Still, I was happy to be celebrated. After all, you only turn 38 once! And, I never expected to be expecting at 38 either - knowing me, that is a feat in itself!
Cheryl and Steve's home is beautiful and perfect. It is situated right on the Swift Creek Reservoir, with only a thin stretch of golf course between the house and the water. It was a nice surprise that Christen was joining us. I must admit that I was a little sad that Bethany wasn't, but her priority was her new home and I got it. Christen came in with beautiful flowers and cupcakes for me to take home to celebrate with the children. Maria gave me a really nice card with a save the date to have a meal at the Jefferson together during the holiday season. Cheryl and Steve gave me the most gorgeous bracelet with an opal that signified both my and the baby-to-be's birthstone that we will share.
Brunch was amazing! We sat outside on the deck overlooking the water with a heater blowing on us in case the elements were a bit chilly. The experience was a little strange for me. You had to order via the QR code on your phone and it was very impersonal. Not that it mattered, being there and sharing time with Cheryl, Maria, and Christen was enough socializing for me. I got a Chesapeake omelet and it did not disappoint! I must've been talking way too much because I was eating well after everyone else - I didn't want anything to go to waste, it was so damned good! We were stuffed so dessert was unnecessary.
We walked back to Cheryl's house and the weather was perfect. It was beautiful out - comfortable in long sleeves and the sun shining like no other. We sat and chatted for a few minutes before Steve and Cheryl loaded up a cooler with a couple more meals for my family and then Maria and I were off to deliver something to Bethany and Phillip. It was nice to see their lovely home. It was perfect. Also, obvious that they still had a long way to go in unpacking and organizing. I am so glad she did not go to brunch - her attention was needed much more at home.
Bethany and Phillip gave me the best present, ever, too! A puzzle table! The one that has small legs that you can have with you while in bed or you can have it flat on a table and little drawers that slide out. I saw one at a house we put an offer on in the spring and it was amazing. I didn't feel like I could splurge on the buy myself and I am glad I didn't. Along with the table, they also got me a puzzle.
Maria and I rode back to my house. We talked about many many things on the ride home and I texted Jacob to let him know that we needed to unload the cooler upon arrival so she could take it back for Cheryl and Steve. When we approached the house, I noticed my uncle's car on the street.
Jacob and I took the cooler in and unloaded it quickly so that we could let Maria get back to her day. I asked where Charles (my uncle) was and Jacob said he was outside with Alison (my aunt), also known as Aunt and Uncle Shug to the children. Once Maria left, I went out in the garage. I didn't hear the children so asked where they were. Jacob said that Nana came and got them for a little bit. That was nice, but strange.
I sat down and Alison said, "We have something to tell you." I have no idea why, but honest to goodness, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "Ricky is dead?" This is when my world stopped turning for the second time in my life. October 24th, 2021 and June 10th, 2002 - the days that my siblings died. I stand here now, at 38 years old, an only (living) child to my parents.
I started to get upset and asked what, why, how, where are mom and dad, etc. Not much was known. The coroner expects a heart attack or stroke. He never woke up this morning. I was on the phone with Mom this morning when Maria came to get me and she specifically mentioned that they were letting Ricky sleep in because he had been working hellacious hours recently and they were up late, happily watching Notre Dame win.
All I wanted was my parents. But they couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go to them - it was too far from the hospital. This was the hardest part of it all. I just wanted to be with my mom and dad. Dad had found Rick. No parent should have to go through losing a child, much less twice. I remember walking out in the driveway by myself for a little bit, trying to hold my emotions, asking God why. I came back quickly and tried to figure out my next steps. Now what?
Apparently, Benjamin had recently come and gotten the body and we were set to meet at the funeral home at 12:30 tomorrow. I wanted to see him before he was cremated. Mom and Dad had differing opinions on when he was being cremated so Alison called the funeral home to confirm that I could see him tomorrow afternoon. Alison also called the MD on call with the OB to let them know what was going on and if any additional precautions needed to take place for pregnancy purposes. Everything for me and baby remained the same, but if there were thoughts of me hurting myself to call 911 immediately. Of course. Ugh, can't one just go through life without the bullshit of everyone having to protect themselves from insane liability?
Alison and Charles left. Nana was set to bring the children back around 4. I didn't know what to do, where to go, or how to focus. I texted my friend, Kristi, immediately. It is her day of Sabbath, and while I mentioned that I told her I needed her and asked if she could go on a little walk with me. She was here in ten minutes - she had already dropped off a cake and some beautiful potted roses for my birthday.
Kristi was in shock as much as the rest of us were. We walked down the street, as far as I could handle, and back. It was so difficult. We talked a little, as much as I could muster. The wonderful thing about Kristi is how she listens, but more importantly how she knows when no words are necessary.
I sat out on the front porch and rocked by myself for what seemed like hours, more like maybe 30 minutes until Nana arrived with Gregory and Meade. Telling them was going to be really difficult. Nana gave me a huge hug and offered to help in any way possible. The kids were playing in the front yard and it was tough to get them inside so that we could have the devastating conversation.
We sat them down. Jacob was already in tears. I was trying to keep my shit together, but couldn't do it either. I finally said that Uncle Ricky had died and gone to heaven. As my tears flowed, poor Gregory broke. He was so sad. Meade, being Meade, said "I'm a big girl - I'm not crying." It was then that we said it is okay to cry and it is okay to be sad.
Jacob did everything around the house. He took care of the kids and I didn't know which end was up. Around 6, I didn't know what to do, so decided to go for a walk and clear my head. I almost immediately ran into a few neighbors and asked them that if they were the praying type to please keep us in their prayers. Sweet Mrs. Sally gave me the biggest hug and we got teary together.
I reached out to a friend from home that lives in the next neighborhood, about a mile away. I set out on a a mission to just get a hug from home. She was so kind to say she would meet me, but I wouldn't have that. I wanted the exercise and just needed to sit for a few minutes and chat. She graduated with Ricky.
Together, we hugged and sat out on her front stoop just chatting about nothing. I didn't get too emotional, still numb I think. Finally, I had to head back. It was getting dark and I didn't have a flashlight. It wasn't a big deal except for the small stretch along Studley Road. I walked the rest of the neighborhood in almost pitch black - it was good for my soul.
I walked around like a zombie, calling a few family members to let them know what was going on - our Fogarty cousins in Baltimore and then Carla at home. Bethany was my first call, though. I needed to let them know that I was going to be okay and that their baby was my first priority through all of this. I tried a couple of his friends, but it was obvious that they knew before I did. Word gets around quickly in that stupid town and I was a little bitter that everyone else knew that Ricky was dead before I did - I am his fucking sister. I also had to take into consideration that Mom and Dad were protecting me and my time this morning and had asked Jacob not to say anything until I returned home. I get it, still frustrating nonetheless.
I was a zombie the rest of the evening. I did the best I could to respond to texts and calls as much as my heart could handle. Sleep wasn't happening so I came downstairs to work on a puzzle through my tears. I'm not getting much done. Especially, now, since Gregory is down here with me and crying beside me. I begged him to go back to bed, but he preferred the couch and we have been sitting together silently in the dark.
God's timing is best. While I prayed and prayed to share my birthday with my belly buddy, God had other plans. Now, I pray that I will be able to make it through the arrangements and all that the week has in store for us without going into labor, but to make it to Friday.
I am heartbroken.
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