an angel is born

I can't express the emotions I am feeling right now.  It feels right to feel joyful and proud of what we accomplished, but it doesn't feel like I can.  When I want to ride the high, I am brought down quickly in remembering that Ricky is still gone.  Life isn't fair and I know that.  I wish I could share this joy with him on this earth, but I know he is celebrating hard in heaven.

I am sitting here trying to sleep, but I can't.  Bethany and Phillip brought Makenna over not long after we came upstairs.  Mom and I both got to hold her.  It was special moments for us all.  I can't express how much I love this little girl, yet how my heart knows she is not mine.  It gives me so much joy to see them as her parents.  I can't ask for anything more.  

I got to snuggle and kiss on her - she is just perfect.  Not long after that visit, Mom called an uber to head home.  I was nervous to be alone, but knew I needed to rest.  I promised Bethany and Phillip that I would be fine and they returned to their room, too.  The nurse had to keep giving me itching meds and asked if I wanted something for sleep.  While I said I wanted it, I felt that it had been such a crazy day that hopefully I would be able to get to sleep on my own.  So much for that.  I sit awake, yet exhausted, at this time.  So often, I catch myself falling asleep, yet it never makes it past dozing.

I even reached out to the little family next door to see if they were still awake.  They came over around 11 and we got to spend more time with each other.  They asked if I wanted to hold her.  I declined because of how tired I was but I think I may have gotten more out of watching them hold her.  Together, they are the perfect little family.  I am so thankful for them and their trust in me.  I still can't fathom that we are here with the baby in their arms.  I feel like I need to pinch myself.